Ramblings from a Detailed Thinker

Jungle Gremlins of Java

2012-02-06T04:35:00.018-06:00

Years ago my mother was encouraging me to watch videos of Slow lorises being tickled. She wanted me to look up photos. She wanted me to see just how cute they were. To me the video looked like either the poor thing was being stupidly cute or something had to be wrong with it. Neither got me excited. I couldn't share my mother's joy.

Watching this video has changed my opinion of them.
Slow Lorises aren't just stupidly cute fuzzballs, begging to be tickled and cuddled. They are carnivorous, can eat things larger than them. They are active only at night. Their mouth and armpits contain toxic venom. This venom makes wounds that fester and won't heal. They are fast moving animals that cover a lot of ground in a single night. They scare away bears and kill leeches.

Now that's an animal I can enjoy.

It is sad just how the pet trade is driving this amazing animal to extinction. Tragic. And we never even got to know them. Really.

Writing Dilemma - 1st or 3rd person

2011-11-29T03:52:00.014-06:00

Though it wasn't always a simple decision whenever I started a story, I used to think I had it figured out.
It sort of came natural to get inside a character's mind and share the narrator's limited viewpoint. As a result I used to enjoy writing in 1st person. I still do.

However as I got to developing other characters and a more complex story, it no longer became a cut and dry decision. I tried to compromise by switching between viewpoints (splitting off on chapters) and a 3rd person voice to bridge the gaps.

Now in 2011, as I'm rewriting parts of the story, I'm contemplating if it is worth dropping off that 1st person cliff and using 3rd person for most, if not all of the stories. I'll greatly miss the 1st person voice, but the 3rd person voice may work out better in the long run. It's a trade off as with any decision.

When I am unsure of something , I turn to the web and do a search. I like to see what other people have to say on the same matter. This posting helped push me over that cliff.

That said, I'm trying it out. I've conducted a few trial stories using 3rd person limited to a character or a couple of characters. I've done it before, various years. So far the results have been pleasing with most attempts. It may not be much of a loss to make the switch from 1st to 3rd person narration. I'll see.

So far I notice these differences with my own writing:

1st person: easy to get into the thoughts of a character. I can write what the character is thinking. What the character is feeling, not so much. I can write what the character thinks he or she is feeling. Things like body language tend to get dropped off. It's hard to see what the narrating character is doing when they are talking or thinking. At least I find it harder. The narrator becomes an "existence". At least that is my best attempt at describing the experience of living as a sentient being taking in all the outside stimuli and making sense out of my environment.

3rd person: Body language of the character becomes much easier to describe. What the character is feeling also becomes easier to describe. It is easier to break through situations where the character doesn't know what they are feeling or think they feel one way but really feel another. (unless the character's internal confusion is something I want to play off, then that effect seems to get lost easier than in 1st person) But getting into the thoughts of the character seem to be trickier. I can do it, but it feels more distant and doesn't make as much sense. But this distance may not be a bad thing. Just takes getting used to. Limiting to one character at a time helps to keep some mystery about other characters as well as the whole plot (something that is nice with 1st person). I also get the "existance" without having to be involved in the story (so to speak).

I'm interested to see what your viewpoints are on 1st and 3rd person narrated stories? Which do you prefer to read?

A moment of wondering

2011-02-08T00:49:00.005-06:00

Sometimes dreams die hard. I'm in a pensive mood right now. I've been working on a story since probably about 1995. It's grown through leaps and bounds as I've grown up and revised it. A single story developed into a whole series. I dream of making something out of it, but... The opportunities are just not there. I wonder if I should keep on hoping I'll find an agent for it and get some of the work published...or if I should just make a blog and publish it free on the internet? The latter would make sure that people get a chance to read the story, but it also means the end of my dream of seeing it in a published book form. I'm coming to the terms my story may never be popular enough for the mainstream to enjoy. After all, insect like creatures are a hard sell... It would take a very small percentage of the population to enjoy.

No matter what, one thing is for certain is that I can't stop writing it. I've grown attached to the characters and enjoy working on their struggles. I entertain myself by writing in a simple MS word (now Open office) document. Occasionally I sketch and paint out rough illustrations.

2011

2011-01-31T03:25:00.010-06:00

A new year. First month almost over in a day. Darn. Where did all that time go? Anyways I am trying to get back into writing as I haven't really had time to take pictures this winter. Dusting off my old rough drafts from 2007/2008. It's amazing what I find. I think I was a better writer then...but then again there are also things needing revision. Some revision needs are huge and others are just plain annoying little awkward errors.

For those just tuning into my blog or stumbling upon it, I write stories about insect people. These guys aren't the creepy icky looking things you find outside. They are people with insect-like features, without the creepy mandibles. One of those great things that bothered me was what I called the older workers taking care of the children in the colony. I called them "Caregivers" but I feel "Guide" is more suited to their role.

Interestingly when I started writing this whole thing (back in 6th and 7th grade, wow!) I used to call them "Guides". Now I am going back. There are other things to sort out, but I'll take those things as I come to them. Most notably their history, and other things I rather not spoil by saying here. If you stumble upon samples in my blog that show inconsistency, that is probably why. I plan to go back and change the story samples on my blog (Artwork and writing), but it may be a while yet. My priorities are working on the actual rough drafts.

This guy looks like he can answer just about any question you may have about ant folk....

Or maybe not. LOL.

Jumping off a cliff - with microsoft

2010-09-20T23:11:00.005-05:00

I need a new computer. It goes so slow, doesn't do HD video streaming well. Not to mention the hard drive is making unusual noises. I've been putting up with a compaq presario, from like since 2003. I've seen enough screen shots and heard enough of windows vista that I know to stay clear...I'm not sure windows 7 is much better. My software is out of date. My keyboard(s) are shot. The mouse still works okay,though takes up a usb port. The next best thing, I figured is to go ahead and make the switchover to a mac.

Now that I ordered one,I anxiously wait and prepare to rebuild my system and get the software I need. it may take a while. I don't do credit cards or charge if I can avoid it. I buy big things by saving my money and not spending it all on little things like ordering lunch every day. Bag lunches are cheaper. Having no car is a pain, but that also means no gas to pay for and no insurance to have to pay on it either. If all goes to plan,and no unplanned events/expenses occur, I shall be able to buy photoshop CS in another month or two.

There are some things I will miss. Petz used to be one of my favorite games and time wasting projects. I haven't played it in years, so I doubt I'll miss it any more than I do now. Some other games will be lost, but then again I probably could still find mac versions of those old games that are even better(bugdom.)If not, then it isn't really a big deal. After all the main thing I want it for is to operate photoshop (CS5) and whatever else I wish to do with my art and photography.

Leap Frogging Buses

2010-02-22T08:42:00.004-06:00

I'm not sure what it is "officially" called. The scenario: You're waiting at a bus stop. The bus comes. Right behind it is another bus of the same route number.
How did that happen? Was it a mistake? Did one driver fall behind schedule and then end up near the bus behind them by 15-20 min or did the driver get ahead of schedule and then meet up with the bus that would have been in front by about 15-20 min? Then the all important question: Should you enter the first bus or the bus right behind it?

Whenever my dad came across the situation, he advised me to take the rear bus, thinking that the one in front is overloaded with people and behind. When I am in the situation it seems either bus I take ends up full and takes longer than the other, or that both get pretty close to my desired stop at about the same time. It seems they take turns as the front/rear bus anyway. Maybe I am just unlucky.

A wow moment....followed by a darn I wish I had my camera moment

2010-02-13T22:53:00.015-06:00

This morning on my way to work, I saw perhaps the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life (or at least in a very long time.) And darn it, it happened to be winter, my least favorite season!

Trees are very beautiful things decorated with leaves that fit each season; green in summer, flame red, orange, and yellow in the fall, and lovely pink, red and white blossoms in the spring, but what about winter? The bare skeletons left behind create an interesting pattern with a lace like quality, but still no leaves. Those trees lucky to have leaves are withered and brown. Pine trees and evergreens are the few that hold any green.

This morning every tree, branch, and shrub was adorned with a new set of leaves - pure white frost. There was something very mystical and unbelievable about it all. Everywhere I looked, it was a perfect scene out of painting, or several paintings. I was nearly in tears. Words could not describe the scene before my eyes. Cloudy skies formed a soft gray backdrop. Everything in the horizon dropped into a thick veil of misty frozen fog. Near the window wispy crystal flakes whipped up and swirled around the air.

The news team referred to it as Hoar Frost (though the term "Rime frost" could also possibly describe the conditions.) Whatever frost it was, was created by the dense fog and the very cold temperatures.

As much as I wanted to savor the moment, my ride ended and I had to go to work. No time for pictures. This time, it was probably good that I didn't have my camera or the time to shoot pictures. Being stuck on the light rail, my attention would have been focused on trying to shoot moving targets. Disappointment with whatever shots I missed or got rendered poorly by movement blur, window reflections and blocked by obstacles would be inevitable. Without the camera, I was left to take in all I could see to create a lasting vivid memory. Still, it would have been nice for blogging sake to have a picture...maybe some day I'll paint one.

LOST

2010-02-02T23:13:00.007-06:00

Just saw LOST tonight. Was that ever a weird episode or what? I wasn't really surprised with the plot opening. So far it seems to be sort of going the way I wondered about.

For those who haven't seen it and want a mild spoiler: It looks like it opens up with a couple different timelines; one if things went the way they "should" have if they had fixed everything and if the island wasn't there, and the other with their attempt to change the future failing.
I had a hunch if the characters could fix everything to be the way they wanted, it probably wouldn't be ideal, and that what did happen on the island was probably the best they could get (even considering all the bad things.) Will be interesting to see how this continues thoughout the final series.

It kind of begs the question with our daily lives, if we had the chance to do things over would they really be better?

On a side note, it appears that comment moderation only works with the account that the blog was created with, not the one that I've been using to post lately. Appologies for the delay.

Ever have a weird dream, then go back so some point in time?

2010-01-24T13:12:00.008-06:00

Ever wake up from a weird dream, then go through a string of thoughts only to end up with some particular moment of time?

Well this time it was some dream of going back through some place in Appleton, WI. The back yard was flooded like some kind of huge creek. (a little bit of background: these were a string of town homes that had no fences bordering them. I lived there from about age 6 to 10 or 11 years old.) In reality I don't remember any flooding occurring in the back yard of these houses, but it occurs in several dreams enough to make me wonder if it did happen but something I had forgotten. (there was though a creek in a field nearby the houses.)

In some dreams, the flooding is so deep, I can go through with a boat. This time there were all kinds of plants growing in the water. Many of them were invasive species from who knows where. They were choking out the native plants. My goal was to quickly catch some of the native plants and try to put them some place before the weeds could get them. At several points I was reminded how healthy and beautiful everything looked. Even the weeds were admirable, but they were growing fast..almost enough to be able to watch. My time was limited.

The dream shifted to a scene of grandma and I looking through buildings in downtown St. Paul. (in my dreams all cities seem to be painted by a landscape of towering sky-scrapers. Almost never does any city look as it should.) Some reason we were squabbling over a wok. If I were to find a yellow gas burning
stove, she wanted me to give her the wok in exchange for another that could be used on the stove. Whatever....

In the dream, she and I were both looking for apartments. I didn't get to see the outcome, because my dream fizzled out and I woke up at some climatic point... (that always happens?)

Upon waking up and several thought processes later, I was brought back to some time I was riding my bike down some old lady's lawn. Previously I was trying to find some friend's house, but neither she nor I seemed to know what neighborhood she lived in or what her house looked like. I tried to find it based on a sketchy description. Frustrated and to the point of crying, I gave up and headed home. But just in time I glanced over and found a neat looking huge backyard owned by an old lady.

Her lawn composed of a really steep hill. It was well mowed and provided the ideal place to just glide down with ones bike. It gave a great thrill, but not dangerous enough to fall or run into anything. It was just what I needed after a frustrating time. For a moment I forgot how upset and frustrated I was and had a great time.

Whatever the case, the owner wasn't impressed. She came out and had an impressive, over the top, fit. I mean, like as if one couldn't do any crime worse than do a little damage to her great amazing lawn. Forget murder or terrorism... This was the top crime anyone could ever imagine. She yelled out in a fit of rage, "I'm gonna call the cops! Get off my lawn now or I'm gonna call! I'm calling the cops right now!" This lady was shaking both her fists in the air, probably stomping her feet as well.

I didn't really get to study her interesting behavior. Utterly terrified at the the thought of being handcuffed and sent to jail, I petaled my bike as fast as I could out of her lawn and far away from her sight. Miraculously I got home safely.

Even then as a 10 year old, I felt like I did something seriously wrong. It wasn't the fact I trespassed into some old lady's lawn. (legally it is a crime.) It was that I failed to speak up and potentially make a difference in someones life. Once again I was rather cowardly and took the easiest way out, rather than speak out.

I had met this lady before. I was with my dad at the time and we talked. At the time she owned a chunk of land. She was trying to keep it rather neat, didn't like some teenagers coming in with their beer bottles, etc.. I expressed I didn't like them either. (they liked to scare and harass me.) My dad brought up about the developments going on with the field. The DNR had regulations against developing land so many feet from a creek. The land was considered a wetland and was supposed to be protected. The developers were illegally filling in the land so they could develop it later. The lady expressed that she was keeping her land until the value went up so she could sell it. At least that's what I picked up with my 10 year old mind. She was interested in selling it to be developed, with little interest about keeping it for the environment. I may have mentioned to her my concerns, but it was irrelevant to the story.

This was a women that needed something, perhaps a childhood... In my 10 year old mind if I could do this moment over, I would not have fled. Now as an adult I am left wondering, what if... Maybe it would form the basis of an interesting story. If I were to write it in a story it would be something like this:

Gathering up all the courage I had, I walked my bike up the steep hill. Meanwhile the lady continued to hurl threats about calling the cops. Perhaps she did. But for some reason, this time I wasn't afraid. I had a mission to follow. This mission was to help this old lady. Why help an old lady? I didn't know. Something inside me wanted this. I stopped in front of the little old lady. She was barely as tall as me, if not a little shorter. For a moment she stopped yelling and looked surprised.
"Why are you standing here?"
Lost for words, I stood there for a few seconds. She continued, "Didn't you hear me? I'm calling the cops."
"I was just having a little fun," I answered timidly.
"This is my lawn," she responded grumpily, "You're not supposed to be here on someone elses' yard."
"Where you ever a child?" I asked suddenly. The old women was taken aback. What a stupid question. Of course she was. Offended, she frowned even more than she already was.
"What does that have to do with this? Of course I was."
"Have you ever ridden your bike down a hill?" I asked.
"Not someone elses' hill," she answered. For once she looked less angry. Perhaps she was feeling sorry for me. "Don't you have a playground or some swings to play on around your house?"
"No," I answered, "they won't allow it." After all, My dad had tried to install a swing set in our lawn. The landowner forced him to take it down. There were no parks that I could walk to by myself. The closest one was kind of a distance and I would have to cross a busy street.

The old women looked even sorrier than ever. For once she realized, this kid must not have what she used to have. This was a child trying to build happy memories. On her lawn. What harm could it do? Quickly the women thought about other concerns. What if the child got hurt? Would the parents sue? How could she say that in a way a child could understand?
"You could get hurt," she stated.
"I have my helmet," I answered, "I should be alright." Without hesitation, I asked, "Would you like to try?" The old lady looked surprised. How dare a child ask such a silly question? This question had to top the "where you ever a child?" question. What if she got hurt? But then again, maybe it would be worth a risk. If only she had a bike.
"I don't have a bike." she answered.
"I can lend you mine." I offered her my bike.
"I don't fit it," she answered. With some hesitation she thought. There was a moment of awkward silence.
"You can ride your bike on my land, but please ask me first. I don't want you to get hurt."
"Sounds good to me," I answered.

Some time time after meeting the strange child, the old lady decided she'd get a bike. Just a simple one; single speed, banana shaped seat, basket in the front, with some streamers on each handle bar. It had a nice shiny magenta-pink finish. Mustering all the courage an old woman had, she secured her helmet, knee and ankle pads, sat on her bike, and petaled at top speed down the hill...

"Wheeeee!"

Opening Doors for People: Is It a Nice Thing to Do or Just Plain Stupid?

2010-01-11T17:17:00.010-06:00

My rant for the day... I was waiting to be picked up by the cab from my Psychiatrist appointment. I didn't feel like sitting down, so I paced around the main entrance of the building. Since I was standing/pacing near the door I felt the impulse to be nice and open the doors for a few people. I figured why not; that it would be rude for me to just stand there in the doorway doing nothing.

Each time was an epic fail. They either opened the next door, ignored me, or looked at me like I was a complete idiot. None of them said thanks. Okay the last one did when I offered to open the door, but turned me down. I left the moment feeling really let down. Yeah I expected to be thanked in some way. It reassures me that I am doing the right thing and it encourages me to continue. If I don't get that verbal feedback, then I feel a bit like what I'm doing must be utterly pointless. Or is it an autistic moment cropping it's ugly head?

Maybe I'm getting something wrong... Okay I guess it's time to do a nerdy google search for social stories and see if there happens to be any "do and "don'ts" to opening doors for people in public buildings. Though right now I don't feel up to it. I just won't open any more doors for people in that same building again. Problem solved.

Hello 2010, goodbye typing 00 years.

2010-01-11T15:17:00.010-06:00

Very belated post as always. Lately I only go here if there is something on my mind and I can't get it off. I guess that's what venting is and why blogs are good for venting.

2009 finished with so many things I could fill several pages. Anyways here are some highlights of 2009 (the ending months.) It's still a marathon post, but considering that I neglected to update my blog the last several months, I guess it evens out.

Late October?, I got a new job. I work at the Mall of America, in Bloomington, MN. Not only do I work there but I also work for the mall. I find that pretty cool. Even if MOA is no longer the biggest mall in America, it is still considered a landmark of a sort. It's kind of a nifty thing to brag about I guess. Not everyone can say they actually work for such a great place and see it printed on their paycheck stubs. Not to mention one huge thing. I get paid $9 an hour. For an "entry level" job, this is nothing to sneeze at. I work part time, so it's not like I am wealthy by any means, but it's nice that I am able to actually save up for the DSLR camera I really want/need. Plus I can a few other odds and ends that I wouldn't otherwise be able to get. New shoes, bath stuff, accessories, Christmas gifts for my family. Not to mention the basic can't live without items. The list goes on.

I also get the fun chance to meet a variety of people, some of them rather interesting characters (to say the least.) The stuff we sell, IMHO is over priced, taxed up the wazoo, but considering how much employees get paid (full time workers also appear to get some medical benefits) and the rather slow business I've been getting, it probably evens out. So next time you have to pay about $20 for a set of photos and some key chains, maybe this can help put the price into perspective. (cheapest photo deal is presently $10.66, including tax. You get a choice between a 6x8, two 4x6, or 4 wallets. If you find a coupon you can get a single 6x8 print at half the price.)

Nevertheless, I'm hired as a "seasonal" (aka disposable laborer). My time is about to come to an end in a few weeks. I'm hoping that I get to stay longer, but it depends on both performance and if they have the demand, making enough profit to keep any additional workers. Performance wise, I believe I've met expectations, even exceeded them. I'm not worried about my performance, but performance alone may not be enough... On average week days I don't make enough to pay my salary. Weekends, Saturdays I make just enough to get close, break even, or make a small profit for the mall. If other workers are not having better luck then...Oh well at least I have the experience I can put on my resume, and I will likely have good references to add.
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November, we lost a cat. Sahib, my grandma's cat passed away after suddenly developing a urinary blockage. It didn't clear up despite having him catheterized for a week. For a day it looked like he cleared up enough to go home. The next night he blocked up again, and to be rushed to the emergency vet clinic.

The cost to keep him alive for another night was too much for my grandma to pay, not to mention that he would most definitely require surgery and that was in the multiple thousand dollar range. Left up to me, I would have sacrificed all my back paid SSI money that we're keeping in a trust to pay for college (if I can get back in) and paid for the surgery to give him a chance. I believe he would have survived and returned to the same healthy, happy cat we had before post surgery. But, It was not my place to make a decision (though I tried, believe me!). After a rather emotional outburst, I was pretty much forced into allowing my grandma to go through with having him put to sleep. I watched the final moments. It was heart-breaking to watch him struggle to pull the catheter out of his arm before the vet returned.
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*Warning emotional stuff here. You may want to bookmark and read later if you happen to be like me and cry very easily. This is not exactly something you want to read on your work lunch break.*
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Watching a cat die for the first time was quite traumatic. Immediately upon dying, the tail poofs up (like a frightened cat), becomes limp. The pupils dilate. He died with one eye open and one closed. His tail was lowered. I lifted it up and curled it around his back, like he used to naturally hold his tail. Writing this brings me into a crying jag, so I guess I'm not completely over my emotions over this yet... I can't stand to read the rainbow bridge poem, though I liked reading it before. It always brought tears to my eyes upon reading it, but for some reason after having a pet actually cross the bridge, it makes the poem feel a lot more emotional and tough to read. Upon leaving Sahib, my last words to him were "I hope it is true." thinking about the poem. I whispered t a couple times, the words repeating in my head.

He was a great cat. My main regret was not giving him the same attention I give to my cat (Waldo). Some of things that I would do that Waldo hated (or strongly disliked), Sahib loved. it didn't matter to him if I was teasing him or spending serious time. He loved it all the same. For instance if I pet Waldo lightly with my foot, he gets PO ed and lets me know clearly that isn't acceptable behavior. If I pet Sahib with my foot, he just started purring and rolled over, like as if I was petting him with my hand. It made no difference. He loved it the same. If he got enough, he opened his mouth, hung it there for a few minutes, sometimes with a quick meow. He was a very laid back cat, though he was no pushover. He sometimes gave a light warning nip if he felt he had enough. Otherwise he craved attention and was grateful for any he got. If he felt he didn't get his fair share of attention, he sometimes nipped grandma or I in random places, mostly the toes.

I didn't give him as much attention and cuddling as Waldo. Nor did I take as many pictures. I felt I would have a lot more time with him (being the much younger cat at only 4 or 5 years old) and Waldo being older, not as much time. I regret my reasoning. His life showed me a sad lesson; we don't truly know how much time we have with someone.

R.I.P Sahib. I love you and miss you dearly.

The last photo I took of him. I really wish I would have snapped more when he got home, after we thought he overcame his condition.

Shot at the vets office (his regular vet) before going home with two prescription meds and several cans of special diet food. Little did we know he would get blocked up and die the next day without getting a chance to even really use the stuff. Fortunately they allowed us to return the unused meds and food. They gave us back the credit we spent. The hand petting him belongs to my grandma. I couldn't get Sahib to look at the camera.
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2010 opens a new chapter in our lives, in my life. Will it be a good year or a challenging one?

Some big changes are coming up. For one thing I will be moving out into an apartment. I don't know exactly where yet, but it is in the planning stages. I'm a bit worried. There's a lot I'll be giving up. (having a garden one of the main ones. I had great plans on expanding Grandma's garden in the backyard, but that may not happen...). I'm hoping I get to keep Waldo, and be allowed to adopt possibly another cat, ideally a young one to be a companion for Waldo and I.

On a smaller note, I find 2010 to be one really annoying number to type....

When Seasons Collide

2009-10-17T12:32:00.003-05:00

When Seasons Collide
Originally uploaded by MJIphotos

Been a loooong time since I last posted. Like I've mentioned before, many of of my thoughts haven't gotten to the writing down phase.

This summer I challenged myself by going out and taking photos every day if possible. Sometimes I missed a day or two, but generally I kept to my goal. I've been uploading my favorites through flickr.

Autumn I planned to continue my goal that I set in the spring/early summer. Have I stuck to it? Not as well. Seems MN has been getting slammed with some really unseasonably cold weather, not to mention cloudy and rainy. On the news they stated this may possibly be a record cold October with the average high being only about 40 something degrees, much lower than the average highs in the 60's.

Already we've had two snowfalls. In a way I feel kind of cheated. Was looking to shoot a bunch of firey trees with full autumn color. (ideally with blue sky as a backdrop.) Well that didn't happen most of October so far.

Ash trees have already shed their leaves. They dumped them after the first snow on the 10th without even fully changing. Some maples have done about the same. Featured here is the 2nd snowfall from October 12th. As much as I hate to admit it, the snow created some of the most awesome dramatic autumn shots I've taken so far. That is if I can call it "autumn". Seems quite a confused mash-up of seasons, with most trees still in their "summer" colors.

On a side note now that I finally figured out how to get a post on here using flickr, I hope to post more often.

Moment of Clarity?

2009-06-21T15:26:00.017-05:00

I visited my parents in Milwaukee last week, saw some old friends and visited the church I was in. The video crew members were eager to see me. I was thinking it would be really cool if I could do one of the cameras, but didn't hold my hopes high. It would be unrealistic to expect them to not have everyone scheduled arrive on the Sunday I visited. Well sure enough they had an empty spot, so I took advantage. It was amazing even after 2 years of not operating a video camera, I still was able to follow directions and pull it off as if I had done it just the week before.

More photos from the train ride on the way to Milwaukee.

Flowers from my friend's back yard:

Photos from the neighborhood in Milwaukee:

I'm in a good mood at the moment. Thinking back over things and looking over my most recent photos I feel like for the first time in a while that I truly have a gift in something and the passion to pursue it. For me showing off my work has been one of my toughest struggles. I'm proud of my stuff, but what if not everyone has the same thrill looking at it that I do? Then what do I do?

That's been one of my hang-ups lately. Right now at this moment it doesn't seem to have the negative effect it has other times. I feel strong. I feel like going out around the neighborhood taking random pictures, annoying neighbors, and getting awesome shots of flowers, bugs, birds, trees - whatever catches my eye. I did just that these last few days and the results were pleasing.

Recently I set up a few photo blogs to feature some of my favorite photos. You can find them by clicking the blog roll on the right. Rather than make new blog posts for every new group of photos, I may make blog posts related to themes and edit them to add new photos.

Oh and on an off topic note I found this article rather amusing. I meant to blog about it earlier. I wonder if I should join Twitter just to make a "One post Wonder"?

Perhaps it would read something like this: Let's see, I already have a blogger account, a yahoo group, livejournal blog, a deviantart account, flickr account faceboook account and likely registered with more sites than I can list, so it's no wonder I can't keep track of them all. So many media and so little time and modivation....lol.

But chances are I'd get hooked and be wasting my time on another site...so for now I think I'll wait, but it is sure tempting....

Sleep Study

2009-06-04T02:11:00.005-05:00

It's past 2 am and I should be sleeping. Ironically talking about the sleep study I had "last" night (that would be the night between this Tuesday and Wednesday).

They stuck wires and stuff to my skin and hair with lemon scented paste. To secure the wires they put two belts around me, one around my stomach and the other just above my breasts. The wires connected to a box with all kinds of plugs. I looked like a human robot, plugged in just about like an electric appliance. Not only that but I had a glowing red sensor stuck to my right pointer finger and a prong like sensor stuck to my nose. Of course they had a camera monitoring me the whole night....

Needless to say not much sleep occurred that night.... They probably got lovely footage of me playing "ET" with my glowing finger. I was kicking my legs around, thrusting my arms, and scratching at the wires, tape, and stuff that were really annoying me. The nose thing had to be top on the list... Since I sleep under the covers, they probably saw what may have resembled a "Mexican Jumping Bean" bouncing under the covers. Or a big lumpy blanket coming to life.

It was also very cold in the room. I had to call them to unplug me so I could take a stop at the bathroom. (you can't just get up and go when plugged in.) I let them know it was too cold. They gave me a couple more blankets. Not long then I felt too hot....

I hope I don't have to do the study over. At least I did finally conk out likely around 5:30 or 6:00 am.... We will see. On the plus side at least I enjoyed watching Animal Planet, a channel we don't have with just basic rabbit ears + converter box...

It's been a while; Autism related entry

2009-05-30T13:28:00.009-05:00

It's been a while since I've last updated my blog of an autism related issue. Some things came up and in order to move on I have to get them written out. I may have spoken a lot of this in past entries, but it is good to have a refresher once and a while. Since autism varies from person to person, I share from my personal experience. Some may relate and some may not.

Anyways my emotions are hot. I'm feeling in a panic over the feeling of having no one to talk to right now (at the time I am typing this) over what most would consider a minor issue. In order to understand the sense of panic I feel when something little comes up, imagine if you just suddenly got news that your best friend, mom, dad, or whoever means the most to you, has been in a car accident or had a heart attack and is in the hospital. You get the initial call that happened, but then are on nerves waiting for an update.

Let's say it's not possible for you to reach the hospital. There's no number to call, heck you don't even know where they went. You don't know anything besides those few details. Depending on how fatal the news sounded and how much the person meant to you, I can imagine you are pacing around, biting your nails, crying uncontrollably, whatever people do when they feel a sense of hopeless panic.

This is how I feel over minor problems. I have the same intensity of emotion, the panic, everything. Often I am told to be patient. If you're mother is dying in a hospital an you aren't aware of where she is, I would imagine being told to be patient would probably be one of the last things you want to be told.

When I am trying to describe to people this sense of panic I feel, I am often put down, or even worse made to feel like I am causing trouble. I can't help the sense of panic I feel. I acknowledge I can have control over what I do in the panic. After all anyone facing a situation like the one I described can control how they behave, but it is very...very difficult. The mind is not there. The heart is racing, the breaths are shallow and the eyes gushing with unwanted tears. It's really hard to control one's behavior at this point of stress.

I used to know one autistic man who must have felt this kind of panic when they changed his routine at a group home he lived. Either that or he had to move to a place where they couldn't keep up to his routine. He had to have a shower taken a certain day and time of the week. One week they couldn't do it at the right time. He had to have his shower taken another day. As a result he got terribly angry, upset, hurt, and violent. He broke at least one of their windows by smashing it. After all to him it had to have felt like his whole world crashed that day.

I'm not that severely upset when changes happen, but I will feel dismayed and feel like I've just been dropped off in the middle of nowhere, in a strange place and left to find my way home with no direction... Depending on my mood, this panic can create a full crying spell and a meltdown. I don't like surprises. Also if I am left without explanation for things, then I'm left confused. My mind doesn't take confusion well. If I don't have a solid explanation, my mind will go over past events that seem similar to the event I am in. It pairs up some usually really negative and disturbing incidents. Common feelings that will show up when I am in a mental state of confusion over an event: rejection, people are deliberately against me because I am a freak. They know it. They can tell. Even by one glance or by reading my written word, they know I'm not one of them. Those people know... they see through me. They have in the past. I've been rejected. My mind pulls up concrete memories to prove it. Therefore this situation is no different. I don't fit in. I never will fit in. I don't have a niche... The negative speech continues into some kind of mantra. There is no easy way to shut it off once it starts.

Usually when I try to explain this to people, or if I worse yet, react out of these emotions, it triggers anger. In turn when people snap about my reaction, then it feeds the feeling of "they don't like me because I am different." and then I react even more apprehensive. This kind of miscommunication keeps going until either I or the other person reaches breaking point and one of us ends up severing communication and possibly leaving the scene. On web forums, it may drive one of us to perminantly leave the site.

Why does this happen? I used to be left really confused until I heard from other people who studied the field of autism as well as reading up some articles. I found out that when an autistic person gets riled up by emotion, it floods the brain with more activity than it would for a non autistic person. I wish I could find the exact articles I read to link to, but if you look down meltdowns and autism, you may get a general idea. After all these emotions are likely the driving force behind most of the major meltdowns someone has with autism.

I hope this sheds light into some of the conflicts I get into, and hopefully help give some insight for those curious to know more about autism, emotions, and meltdowns. Anyways I feel a bit better getting this down. The sense of panic has lessened a bit.

Getting back on the treadmill

2009-05-29T13:01:00.006-05:00

I've decided to give antidepressants another go. I've been coasting well without them for several months then bam....an emotional crisis comes and then I can't get myself out of it no matter what I do. I don't know how long it will last, but I've given it about a month to go away and it hasn't...

I really hate relying on meds with a passion. I believe they are bad for long-term health, don't like side effects, and just the general concept makes me cringe but.....

I can't live like this much longer, so a choice between risking my life or taking a med and dealing with the things I mentioned above, the med wins....

Emotional Crisis

2009-05-29T12:18:00.010-05:00

I've been battling with an emotional crisis this last month and it's been really messing with my thinking and how I relate to people. To shorten it I feel like the world is against me and I've been reacting by animal like instinct rather than rational thought. Which of course triggers anger and other people's reactions, which feeds the feeling I have of people being against me. Which of course angers people even more...It's a vicious circle.

This leads me to a question how one can tell the difference between someone who truly believes everyone is against them from someone who is going through a relapsing bout of depression? If I were to take a stab at an answer, I would think that someone truly believing would feel more confident, where as someone influenced by depression is in inner turmoil, knowing it isn't true but can't fight it off. Also, at least with myself, it seems to come with plenty of tears and no shut-off valve. It seems one warning sign is if I go through at least a couple days where I can't stay awake and feel so drained. I've been having plenty of that this spring and it sucks, because this is when I usually am in a lot more cheerful disposition and getting the spring planting going. Not this year....

But it's odd though, when I'm depressed, I don't always feel depressed. I can be cheery and even feel naturally "high" at times, but then at some point sink back down into the same uncontrollable thought patterns.

This is a poem that I wrote while feeling about the worst of it. It's unpolished because it was written with my keyboard keys wet with freshly fallen tears. I'm just trying to cope with it the best I can.

Loneliness and despair
Sinking like a black hole
No light can reach.
All hope pales
In the black smoke of hopelessness
No thought can pull
One out of the pit.
It sinks deeper
With each tear.
Drips salty sting down
One’s cheek.
The taste deceivingly warm,
Everyone out there is a ghost
Incapable of understanding
How deep the hole is.
How much it hurts.
They don’t taste
The same tears of despair.
I can’t touch them.
They are too distant.
Far away from reach.

I seek closeness.
Warmth.
Someone who can say
They understand. Take my hand
Lead me through this pain
Show me I’m not alone.
But this warmth doesn’t last.
The darkness pulls it away.
I’m left with myself
And this black hole of despair.

Of Flower Petals And Memories

2009-05-25T02:28:00.013-05:00

Some people may remember this on my Talentdatabase profile. This time I'm using the picture that inspired the story. Sometimes I write a scene first and then get an image or a scene and sometimes I will draw a picture and it turns into a scene which I have the option of writing down and recording. When I wrote the story, I felt it would make a good piece for Memorial Day. I wanted to hold onto it until that day arrived, but didn't wait. This year I have my chance. Like with all my writing, my characters, artwork, story, etc belong to me. I am very possessive of my creations, so please don't upload my stuff anywhere or alter any part of my work. I am trusting people here to not steal my stuff.

------------------------------

Background:

1. Marffey (Antfolk) is the one narrating the story. He is a young child approx. age 5 or 6. Children his age need an adult worker to mentor them. They seem to call such mentors/guides "caregivers". Children without an adult guide/mentor don't survive very well. There are too many predators out and it's just a rough world for them...

2. Humpuly (BeetleFolk) is Marffey's best friend. He is an older child, but highly intelligent for his age. He takes Marffey off on trips to places like the Human City. Benly and Humpuly don't really get along with each other (to put it nicely), at least not early in the series... He tries to avoid Benly most of the time unless a confrontation occurs. If a confrontation between Benly and Humpuly occurs, you can be sure Humpuly will most often get the upper hand. Humpuly is not really in this particular story.

3. Benly (Antfolk) is an older adult (approx. early 50's). He served several years in the colony's army and held a lot of responsibility. Benly has fought several battles against the enemy Fire Ants. In this small story he recently re-enlisted in the army after being discharged for medical reasons (suffered a near fatal injury which they didn't know if he would survive.) He's trying to get back on his feet (claws), find himself, and see what he is to do now. If I were to take a guess, I believe he sufferers emotional scars along with his physical ones.

After Humpuly dropped me off, he escaped quickly into the grass. Meanwhile I went off to find Benly. When I found him he was at the gravesite holding some flowers in his lower hands. The flowers had only a few petals left. The rest of the petals spiraled into the air as Benly opened his upper hands to release the broken flower petals. I stood beside Benly, but he seemed to be too absorbed with what he was doing to notice me. He babbled softly in a weak whisper with words I could not understand. Benly’s face showed deep sadness. He spoke softly to himself while looking up at the sky, “Why am I here? Why did I survive when—?”

“Whatcha doing?” I asked interrupting Benly from whatever he was about to say. Meanwhile I picked up a clump of fallen flower petals and threw them up in the air for the wind to carry away. Benly raised his antennae and looked at me. He still looked sad, but I could see he was cheering up a little. He sat down on the ground and held a bare flower stem in his hands. He fiddled with it until I crawled into his lap.

“I’m just remembering my dear friends,” spoke Benly in a soft voice.

“What do you mean?” I asked while looking around, “I don’t see them.” Benly lowered his antennae. He whispered into my antennae, “That’s why I’m remembering them. They are somewhere else now and hopefully happier.” “If you’re friends are happier, then why are you so sad?” I asked. Benly shook his head and chuckled dryly.

“You are something Marffey,” Benly chuckled while reaching out to stroke my antennae, “I admire your innocence.” As I sat in Benly’s lap, I couldn’t help but notice the huge scar on his chest, the upper part of his thorax. It looked like a deep pit on his thorax where the chitin had cracked.

“What happened to your thorax?” I asked. “That is where I got stabbed,” answered Benly. He took a deep breath and corrected himself, “Actually it was the back of my thorax where the enemy stabbed me with a spear. The blade went through my heart tube and punctured my thorax. If the blade had severed my nerve cord, then I wouldn’t be here either.” Curiosity struck me. I wanted to see how deep Benly’s wounds went into his body.

“Can I touch it?” I asked.

“Go ahead,” spoke Benly while bobbing his antennae, “Most of it has healed over. There’s a new layer of chitin that’s formed where there was a hole.” I reached out and poked my fingers into Benly’s wound on the front of his thorax. It wasn’t as deep as I thought. The tip of my littlest finger fit into it but nothing more. “The back is where it gets deeper,” spoke Benly.

As I moved to reach Benly’s back, he bent down low to the ground. After boosting me onto his thorax, Benly spoke, “Be very careful. I doubt it will hurt any more, but it used to be very painful.” I poked ever so softly at the crack in Benly’s thorax. Benly didn’t flinch or anything so it must not have hurt like he said.

“Does this hurt?” I asked. Benly shook his head and smiled.

“Nope, it’s healed over quite well. Just looks bad, but I can live with that.” Benly looked more serious as he spoke to himself, “Only thing I can think is the Creator wanted me to live. Other than that, I can’t think how I managed to avoid being stuck in the ground feeding plants.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. Benly let me down, stood up, took a deep breath and spoke, “That’s what happens to every one of us eventually, but if we’ve been deserving, then the Creator lets us live on in the Afterlife.” Benly bobbed his antennae slowly and turned to me with a smile, “In the mean time let’s enjoy every moment we have together.”

I climbed up Benly’s leg, thorax, and head. Benly looked up and asked, “You’re not going to try to sit on my snout again are you?”

“Why not?” I asked. Benly made a snort and hissed through the spiracles on his abdomen. He rolled his eyes and raised an antenna. Though he tried to look stern, Benly could not hide the grin on his face.

“Because it does not make a good chair,” answered Benly. I crawled over and sat squarely on the middle of Benly’s snout.

“Yes it does,” I answered.

“No it doesn’t,” protested Benly, “Get off I can’t see.”

“Can you fling me in the air and catch me in your arms like you did last time?” I asked.

“Very well,” answered Benly with a sigh, “But don’t make a habit of it.” Benly lowered his head and thrust it upward. “Up and away you go,” spoke Benly in a cheerful voice.

“Wheeee!” I exclaimed as I flew into the air. Benly caught me in his arms.

“Do it again!” I said. Benly chuckled and shook his head.

“No we only sit on Benly’s snout one time,” said Benly with a smile. Benly’s deep blue-gray eyes fixated on me. He seemed to be absorbed in deep thought. Benly looked up at the sky and whispered, “Thank you, I think I know why I am here now.”

“To let me sit on your snout,” I teased. Benly turned to me, thumped me with his antennae and chuckled, “No. That’s not what I am talking about.” Benly set me down on a leaf so he could face me at eye level. He bobbed his antennae and finished, “I am responsible for you, Marffey until you grow up.”

“I thought you said you don’t want to be my caregiver,” I said. Benly took a deep breath and spoke, “Yes I said that, but I see no better choice. It would be a terrible mistake for me to not be your guide. I love you Marffey, and I will to do whatever it takes to make sure you have a good life.”

“You promise?” I asked. Benly nodded.

“Yes with all my heart tube, I promise,” answered Benly.

© 2009 MJI (All Rights Reserved) Edit: Fixed a few minor things, most important being the background info on Benly. It's been a while since I last looked at my drafts . I forgot he was in the army in the story, but he's serving as a guard. Where this leads into Benly is missing his old position, but he is not sure if he is fit enough to do it, both physically and emotionally.
I gave Marffey and Humpuly a bit more info. I also tried to fix the format. I can’t seem to get the paragraphs to transfer from MS word.I'm aware this particular short story needs revision, but I still am satisfied with many of the things with it.

Finally an update

2009-05-25T01:56:00.008-05:00

I've been meaning to update my blog with something, but it seems when I come up with ideas to write, it always seems to be at a time I have my computer off and am either trying to sleep or am busy with something. Needless to say, I've been letting a lot of ideas go without getting them written down. To capture a thought is sort of like trying to catch a butterfly. If you can catch it and get it written down, then it is there. But if you let it pass through without recoding it, then it goes away. Sometimes thoughts will return and sometimes not.

I've been kind of darting around a few places on the net. Sadly it seems talentdatabase is no more. :( They got some kind of problem they claim to fix "soon", but after giving them at least three months to settle whatever it is, I'm not holding my breath any longer... So I will be moving a few of my favorite stories from there to here. I have something planned for Memorial day to upload next. But right now I've got this:

T-Shirts! Yes you can have your very own T-shirts with my designs. I'm in process of adding products and making my designs look their best. Really I should get a paid account with cafepress, but I want to be guaranteed I will at least break even with sales before sinking money in.
That said I have a personal dilemma. I want to buy my own "Thorn bug" shirt but there are too many choices. I'll try to narrow it down to my favorites and update as soon as I get the shop set up.

As far as the "Messor" goes I think I've settled on this shirt (the tanish-green one).

I've also been wasting time making little clicky graphics, which seem to be surprisingly difficult to paste on blogger. Perhaps I'm too tired.

Music Worth Listening

2008-12-26T19:01:00.005-06:00

This is a question that is brought up often. I tend to avoid topics about music because I tend to like a variety of tunes but know very little about the artists, etc. Even though I like a variety of tunes I am picky about what songs I will listen to repeatedly and share with people.

I like music probably just as much as the next person, but when it comes to something worth my time listening I prefer tunes with inspirational messages as well as conveying what mood is on my mind. Often these turn out to be Christian songs. I don't know why exactly, but it seems a lot of Christian music conveys just the right amount of inspiration as well as what else I am looking for in a tune.

Once I find a tune I like on the radio or somewhere I will look it up. Chances are pretty high, you think of it, Google has it - that and YouTube.

That said here is a list of songs I found and links to listen to or read the lyrics. I strongly recommend you take your time listening to them, even if you may not be into religion.

No particular order:

Superchic[k] - Stand in the Rain
Lyrics

Life is Worth Fighting For - Church of Rhythm
Lyrics

Plumb- In my Arms
Lyrics

Jeremy Camp -There Will Be A Day
Lyrics

John Reuben - Nuisance
Lyrics

Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
Lyrics

Call My Name- Third Day
Lyrics

Bebo Norman - Pull Me Out
^ Lyrics and video

Casting Crowns - Who Am I
Lyrics

The Fray - How To Save A Life
Lyrics

Third Day - Cry Out To Jesus
Lyrics

The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car)
Lyrics

Those Nights Remix - Skillet
Lyrics

I also found several good music from Air 1

Forgiveness

2008-10-10T18:53:00.004-05:00

I’ve been feeling down for a few days this last week, but you know what? I decided I’m not going to let it bother me anymore. Those people don't know me. They may think they do. But why should that matter? I forgive those who said hurtful things against me. We all have bad days once and a while. Sometimes we have bad weeks. Why should I hold a grudge against anyone for being human once and a while? I believe that God is far stronger than that.

So I let go and I move on. Life is too short to dwell in the past. Life is too short to dwell on the negative things. Life is too short to hold grudges. So today and I hope any day after I will focus on being a good person and helping others, regardless of what happens. After all, kindness is worth its weight in gold. My only hope is to all that read this message that they take to heart and do the same.

It is my desire to leave this world a better place than when I came. Even if it is just a few people in the end that my actions made a difference, it is well worth the effort. If everyone kept this as their goal, maybe just maybe we can make this world a better place together!

Quotes from another Autistic Person: Adrienne

2008-10-09T20:31:00.003-05:00

I was browsing through a friend's profile on Autism Speaks. I really enjoyed the quotes she made up. I found them very inspiring. You can check her out right here. (but you have to ceate an account in order to see.)

Here is some info on Adrienne (copied from her profile for those who don't have an Autism Speaks Ning account) :
Heylo, My name is Adrienne, and I'm diagnosed Classic Autism, doctors say moderate functioning, I still say moderate-high functioning fits me the best. I think half the time im moderate-low functioning and the other half im much more higher functioning. I'm 50% verbal, I do rely on PECS(picture exchange communication system) and Sign Language to help me communicate, but I can speak, sometimes surprisingly well, even times I can hold a conversation with ya, other times its mostly babbling, echolalia, one worders or just little noises. I also have tourettes, which thankfully is more mild then my autism, my biggest and most challenging tic is shrugging my shoulders, my most noticable tic is my facial jerks. I also have been having siezures, but they aren't properly diagnosed yet. Along with that, I have arthritis, cold utercaria(allergy to the cold, i get hives everywhere, can pass out and die), reynods syndrome(another skin related condition), asthma, and other things i probably can't remember at the moment.
I do have a boyfriend, Jim, we've been dating for awhile, on February 19, 2009 makes 3 years. Hes neurotypical besides having OCD about his car, theres nothing out of the ordinary about him except hes dating an autie lol. Hes had many many many people tell him hes stupid for dating me, because how disabled I am, but hes stuck with me through thick and thin. A lot of people don't even believe I can have a boyfriend or believe he is dating an classic autistic chica. We love to prove people wrong hehehe :P!
My autism doesn't define who I am, theres times I'm like screw autism, I'm doing what I want haha, those are rare times lol. Its defintely a huge part of me. I believe I am autistic, and have autism, autism stops me from doing so much, but being autistic is what makes me stronger as a person :). I can drive, which a lot of people don't think its possible, it defintely is possible, I'm a really good driver. I also ride jet skis, and boat. I can even do amazing tricks on the jet skis.
I volunteer everywhere... childrens specialized hospital, harbor house, interfaith hospitality, cattus island, big sisters/big brothers, and even use to do pet therapy with my greyhound and took her to nursing homes. As I mentioned, I'm apart of big sisters/big brothers, my little is 13yrs old and has pddnos(in case anybody was wondering why it also says know other person with autism). I help run the autism carnival every year with childrens specialized hospital. I also am going to college through the DRC(disability resource center) and training to be a sign language interpreter. My goal is to teach nonverbal autistics, deaf/hearing impaired children, or just children with language differculties sign language to ease up their frustration.
I wanted to add the best bit of advice I can give anybody is..... Follow your dreams, don't let anything stop you. Don't ever give up, no matter how bumpy or hard the road is ahead. Doctors are not psychics, so they can not tell you how your child will grow up, so believe in your child rather then the diagnosis given to that child. Despite what label society gives to you, you have the ability to do anything if you put your mind to it and don't let anybody tell you different!

With permission I'm reposting her quotes:

For those who learn to accept are those who achieve much more in life and are those who teach us the greatest lesson in all of humanity!

The best gift in life is that, thats handed to you, not thats bought!

Pain is not suffering, pain is a lesson to be learnt, and to grow from.

You either dodge the bullet, or let it pierce you, life is all about choice.

You never know how being a friend can save somebodys life in the end

You can do anything if you let you open your heart and show the world how amazing you are.
Even in the ugliest situation, you can find beauty within.

The littlest things that seem so small to you, can be so big in somebody elses eyes, even if its just a friendly gesture like how are you feeling, although small short sentence, can have a huge impact on a persons life, its always better to give then recieve.

Don't be the wave in that big ocean that follows everybody else because eventually you will be knocked up on shore and gone before you know it, instead be that fish that swims over those huge waves, and lives life to the fulliest

"You can not push that small, tiny, caterpillar to metamorphosis to that beautiful, magnificent, butterfly. Only it, will know when its ready to give up its younger life. To take its journey into this big world will be hard to overcome; however, when its ready to take that giant leap, it'll let its dreams soar and fly"

It only takes one person to ruin somebodys day but it also takes another person to brighten up that persons day again:-P.. Make somebody happy, show them a smile, say hello or even compliment them, you never know how u can change this world till you actually try

Every ending always means theirs a new beginning right around the corner all you got to do is open your eyes.. "Wherever there is a finish you will most definitely find a start

A Little Bit of Kindness Goes A Long Way

2008-10-09T00:15:00.002-05:00

We may not always agree with each other on some things. Sometimes we say hurtful things to each other. The important part is that we learn to forgive, make peace and learn from our mistakes. After all no one person is perfect.

Sometimes we to be reminded of this fact of being human. Sometimes the reminders sting and burn our hearts. But the wise person will take the lessons to heart, not as pain, but as a challenge they can work though to become a better person.

If you see someone who is hurting right now, don’t judge them based on what words they say. After all it is the pain speaking, not the person inside. I believe people are good at heart. Sometimes pain and anger can cause us to see things we wouldn’t normally see. Sometimes it clouds our judgment and makes us bitter.

What does one do when they come across someone who seems to be lashing out in pain? Show them kindness, even if your own personal feelings may not agree. After all kindness is a strength that few possess. If you can show kindness to someone who has been mean, not only does that show your character, but who knows, maybe your kindness may help someone in need in ways that you never would have known. Maybe, just maybe you saved a life without realizing it.

Just a heads up

2008-08-11T23:51:00.002-05:00

One of these days I'm thinking of changing the appearance of my blog... I'd like to see if it's possible to add some of my artwork as the background, which means I have to create some artwork...

When that change occurs depends on how motivated I am to get started. For those who like consistency, I felt like it is worth giving you the warning before I start messing around with my blog. That's a big if I can pull it off... I'm not savvy with CSS/html, but I'm sure I can find tutorials to tweak with....

Autism Everyday and My Response to the Editors

2008-08-01T00:40:00.001-05:00

This is the exact leter I sent to Autism Speaks upon viewing their 13min internet version of Autism Everyday. They claim to speak for autism and the autism community... Well I am Autistic and I am Speaking. Now are they gonna let me speak? If they don't put my letter up as part of the feedback, hmmmm....yeah... I feel a bit slighted...

I like it when the parents talk about not giving up and working with their children. I believe that kind of persistence and determination will go a lot further than anything else. As an autistic individual (diagnosed PDD NOS at age 6) I believe there is a lot of self will it takes as well as support from the parents. It helps to have a high self esteem and a positive outlook for both the child and parent. But I'm glad my parents took a different approach. Rather than working against my autism, they worked with it and helped get me connected with other individuals with autism that have a positive viewpoint. That positive viewpoint helped get me through Jr. High and high school and make the honor roll. It's important for the autistic children as well as the parents to know they are not alone. Autistic people may not always show their emotions, but you can be sure they feel the same emotions any other human does.

As far as the rest of the video. I see comments about why is my child melting down? I too had meltdowns like some of those. If you really want to know ask me. I may not be able to say exactly why your kid is melting down, but I may be able to help explain what triggered meltdowns with me. There may be some things in common. I'm willing to help share my piece of the puzzle. Some of the meltdowns were anxiety based. For instance if I couldn't find x item, and I felt like I'd be late, that would stress me out. It also helped to have some item to carry with me. (Usually as an adult I take my sketchbook with my drawings and some paintings. As a kid, it was often a bug I caught outside that would be a comfort item.) Shopping trips: My mom liked to shop at various places and run several errands in one day. Some of the stops were good, but others were boring. If I was being taken to a place I didn't like, I dug my heels in... Going to a place I like…chances are I behaved much better… I also sort of had a “what’s in it for me” attitude. If I was going on a long trip I wanted to come home with a “one thing”. If I had that incentive I behaved much better. I also don't like just spontaneously disrupting whatever I was doing and going places. I like to know ahead of time where I am going and for how long. Imagine you’re in the middle of a game (a "boss" level), full concentration and no chance to pause it. Suddenly you’re expected to just drop everything and go… Leaving something I am highly concentrated on, unfinished to me feels like leaving the house with the lights on, doors wide open, and the faucets running. It doesn’t feel natural. I like to be warned ahead of time and know when to find a good stopping point with whatever I am doing.

Other meltdowns were tactile. I didn't like my arm being held onto. If my parents tried to hold my wrist, I'd try to break free. Eventually we worked out some kind of agreement. "I won't hold your wrist if you don't wander." I think it helped. I still got distracted at times, but I knew not to bolt out into the street without looking for cars. I had an autistic-like step grandpa who taught me that behavior and insisted upon it every time before crossing a street.

Coping with meltdowns: I'm learning to spot my triggers and cut them off at the pass. If I feel my anxiety level rising and I'm in an argument, it's time for me to back off and come back later when calmer. In the mean time engage myself with a more favorable activity. If you're a parent and your kid is having a meltdown out of frustration, it's time for a break. See if you can direct the child to something they enjoy to cool down. Approach the task later. Don’t try to push on. It won't work.

Hopefully some of this helps. I want to see more of the positive ends of autism and more shown on the gifts along with the meltdowns. I'd like to see a more balanced view of all autism. Not just the poster children. It shows some autism, but just like some people criticize the autism advocates, this video doesn't reflect the full view of autism for everyone. Not every parent with a nonverbal 2-3 year old will have a nonverbal older child or adult. I didn’t start to speak until about age 4, but once I got to talking, they couldn’t shut me up. Now I’m highly verbal. Most people just from looking at me wouldn’t guess I am autistic. That goes to show there’s a lot more to PDD NOS and autism than what is shown. There needs to be more shown on both ends so autism is not viewed as something to be feared...

Sincerely,
MJI

I still exist

2008-08-01T00:34:00.000-05:00

Though I haven't been blogging here lately I'm still thinking and have plenty to think about. I just haven't been writing down all the things that go through my mind.

I am working a part time work study job. So far it seems to be going okay. I work 4 hours a day for three days a week. Eventually my case mananger wants to up my hours.

I help out with sorting things for our local goodwill/easter seals company to put on their ebay like site. One of the main tasks I do is sorting jewelry. My detailed vision and ability to focus on fine details helps me to read the 925 stamps on the items to tell if they are real silver or have a gold value. I can read what value they are often without the need of a magnifying lens.

I don't know if that is a gift from being near sighted or autistic, but whatever it is it sure helps.

You Have the Power to Make a Difference With Just One Post

2008-05-14T01:25:00.000-05:00

Think carefully each time you hit the reply button. Each post puts out a message. You are in control of what message you put out to the world. Will your message be a positive message of hope or a negative one?

This message came to my mind upon reading several gloomy posts on a forum. In the process of trying to figure out who is right, people seem to forget what the most important reason behind the forum is; That is to show kindness and support those who are parents of autistic children. Some of these parents are new. Their kids may be newly diagnosed. They don't need to hear comments about people wishing to have measles and deafness over autism (in response to the MMR shot). They don't need to hear remarks like people living as permanently brain damaged and never able to make it in an NT society. These parents feel bad enough from the news they got. There's no shortage of "Doom and Gloom." There's plenty to find on Google.

What these parents need are stories of hope. They need to know that their children can make it in this world. They need to know their children are not some sickly weak diseased thing. They need to know that they are not handling delicate butterfly wings. Even butterflies are tough.

If you're going to think of your autistic child as a butterfly, think of them as a monarch. These are hardy butterflies even though they look so frail. They face several hardships every fall when they migrate from as far north as Canada to Mexico, but somehow they do every year.

Life as an autistic person isn't the easiest, but then again is any life easy? No matter who you are, you're going to have your own challenges to face. Why not embrace your child's autism and help their strengths shine. Do what you can to help your child overcome their challenges. Remember that no matter what, this journey is one that must be done by the individual. The best treatment one can do is install confidence in their child. What's the best way to teach confidence? Example.

Show your child you are not afraid. Show your child you are not disappointed you didn't get what you originally thought would be the "perfect" child. Show your child you are proud of them and their autism. Show your child that you love them. You love their autism because it is part of your child. Please don't compare your autistic child with any non autistic child saying I wish this or that, or comment this person is slower than a non autistic child. Think about this. Even the most nonverbal autie can understand the feeling of being rejected or inferior. This may sound like much to ask, but believe me it helped when my parents took a positive attitude.

Help your child think of his/her autism not as a disease needing to be overcome, but as part of who s/he is and part of what makes him/her a stronger person. With that attitude one can accomplish just about anything they set their mind to. Even the best bio-med or treatment or therapy will fail if this is not done. So rather than worry about whether one is missing out on x therapy, think of the monarch butterfly that makes it all the way to Mexico. Your child is a tough one. All your child needs is a positive attitude and the desire to make his/her dreams come true.

Let your message be one of hope. In the end it doesn't matter who is right. You can't go wrong with a positive approach and a desire to change the world in a good way.

Who I Am

2008-04-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

I'm taking part in some kind of series called Believe it or Not You Rock! offered at our local independent living center. Lately I've been trying to take advantage of more of these activities to gain more skills outside the computer realm.

For the first assignment we are supposed to answer the question, "Who do I claim to be?"

It's a question I've asked over and over in my head, Who are you MJI? I could think about being a human being, my religion, age, my gender, my accomplishments and my autism. All those may be pretty good answers but they still don't quite define who I am. They tell what I am.

So who am I really? I am a writer. It is not just a hobby for me. It's a way of thinking. Being a writer affects the way I perceive things. Any new thing I learn can be used in something I write down the line. I've always been curious about the world around me. I remember vaguely when I learned to ask who, what, when, why and how?

"Why" turned out to be one of my favorites. I found if I kept asking why I could learn lots of things. Asked too much eventually I'd get, "I don't know" for an answer. This frustrated me as a kid. I'd ask people why they didn't know and they would just keep answering with the same question... Going in a circle like that didn't give me what I wanted to know.

How does all this tie into writing? In order to write, one has to be able to have a good grasp and understand their ideas. The more I take in, the more tools I have to build things in my head.

I think like a writer. I am almost constantly lost in thought about something, speaking softly in my head as if I am giving a speech. I edit and revise scenes in my head. If I get the chance, I write them down. Most of the time the essays I think in my head never get written. They stay locked in my head ready to be released when a thought triggers them.

I could also say I am a detailed thinker. Obviously I wouldn't have chosen to name my blog this way if I wasn't focused on details. To me it comes natural. I glance at a wall and I may notice a brightly colored butterfly wing left from a butterfly who fluttered into a building. How did the butterfly get there? I don't know. It could be simple or it could be complex. As a writer I have the freedom to make a story up if I want to.

Flash back to a time when I was looking at the back of a truck with a trailer. It was covered in dust and dirt. Someone had smeared it clean with a smiley face and "Have a nice day."
As a writer and a detailed thinker, I notice this little detail. My mind plays it in my head like a movie. The truck unloads its stuff and a guy later writes the message, likely smiles and speaks to the driver, "Have a nice day."

Another day I noticed a little toad climbing around a moving car in the city. How it got there I don't know, but it sure was fun imagining the toad was on an adventure of some sort. If I wanted to develop that further I can.

I have my imagination and it's my best tool. With it I can go anywhere. It is how I get by from day to day. My imagination helps me understand people. Each person I interact with becomes their own character. If they do something funny I sometimes remark, "Keep it up and you will be writing material."

If I were to go back in time, ever since I was about 5 or 6 I've been using my imagination and writing stories in my head. I continue to this day doing what I always did, imagining and writing. Some day I hope to write more than just a hobby.

What's wrong with this world?...Kids book teaching about mommy's new and improved look.

2008-04-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

I just found this Jewel off of Newsweek today. Seriously, I wish we didn't have to live in this kind of world where people aren't happy to be who they and rather than seek ways to improve their character, they try to find easy solutions. Years ago it was The Swan... Now it's some kids book written by a plastic surgeon to explain why mom is getting "prettier" and "New and improved."

I find this book disturbing to say the least. If I was a kid and my mom handed me this, I'd be sad... It would be like a slap in the face, because after all we adults try to tell kids to be happy with themselves and have high self esteem for who they are. We try to encourage children to not judge people by looks alone... We teach them to get along with others, even ones who are different. After all everyone is unique. Being unique and being ones self is a valuable thing.

At least that's what I thought... Maybe I was wrong along. After all I am different. I think differently. Even so, I still can tell this book is a direct hypocrisy...

Forget all the stuff I mentioned above. This is the new generation... A shallow one at that; Superficial. Is there any hope for humanity?

Gahrrrrrrr! Sometimes I just want to gag and bang my head up against a wall really hard. What is this world coming to?...

Thinking of taking a break from AS

2008-04-20T05:13:00.000-05:00

I don't know when or how long. I am coming to a point I think I need to take a break from the Autism Speaks online web discussion forum. It has nothing to do with any members on there or the battleground that the forum becomes. ( I do have to admit I find it a bit of a let down that people can't put aside differences and work towards a common goal). That common goal should be improving the mainstream's attitudes towards autism. Only then will things start falling into place. Unfortunately not many people seem to be truly aware of this. They find it better to defend their opinion against someone else's opinion than to see the boarder perspective.

Arguing with opinion is like trying to drive a car without wheels; you aren't going anywhere, even if you have a full tank of gas.

Wait. I'm autistic. I shouldn't be seeing the forest, but perhaps I've been wrong all along. It seems massive tree blindness isn't just an autistic thing.

I need to step back and do more things I enjoy for myself. It is fun helping people, but I can't do it on my own. I may check my messages for a few days before going off.

In the mean time I created a thread in hopes maybe both sides can find some common ground.

Hopefully it will go to plan and not turn into another war zone which doesn't help anyone. Now it's time to make a mad dash before the arrows start flying and bombs rain down...

It would be great if people could let go...enjoy, and live again.

2008-04-16T02:40:00.001-05:00

This was a pm I sent to a parent on a forum. This parent was complaining and wishing he/she had spent more time googling and finding out information about vaccines before giving one to his/her child. This person even called him/herself an idiot and decided to take the blame for the child’s autism. This saddens me, because I don’t like people beating themselves up for things they either had no control or knew no better. It’s too easy to fall into self pity traps. Being human I’ve hosted such parties many times, and I’ll tell you I left feeling worse than when I came.

Either way I honestly feel that parents who share this viewpoint are being way too hard on themselves. What is in "" and italic is their quote copied from part of a forum post.

"The guilt I carry will never go away, and no rally, website, or scientific study will ever change that."

You have the choice to keep digging down in the mud feeling guilty and sad. That's your right. But it is a miserable feeling to live with isn't it? I know that sucks having to carry such a huge burden.

There was a time my dad was about to blame himself for the same thing, but as his daughter I'm glad he let go and cheered up. I enjoyed my dad being more positive. I honestly believe it helped our relationship.

I know I did not choose to be autistic, nor did my parents. It just happened. Rather than wonder why I couldn't look into a crystal ball to make my decision on what life to live, I decided to just let go and take my life a day at a time. I used to believe things happen for a reason, but then I wised up and realized, things just happen.

You may not have to be religious, but I believe these things that happen, both good and bad, are there to help shape our character. They may seem unfair at times. We can choose to use them to make ourselves stronger or we can let them weaken and defeat us.

That is each person's decision. Regardless of whether or not the shot triggered your kid's autism you don't need to be so hard on yourself. Let other things in your life do that for you. There's enough "crap" out in the world to deal with. Dwelling on negative past things are a real drag.

And to be honest I've heard convincing evidence from both sides, for and against shots being the "cause". Right now I decided to settle on "I don't know." as my answer about vaccines and the "cause" of autism. I honestly believe autism is not from just one cause. It is a combination of things. Try this exercise:

Draw a flower about 10-20 times. Unless you're a copy machine, you're not going to get every flower exactly the same. That is how the human brain is. There isn't just autism but other things as well, because after all when it all comes down to it, you're seeing a shape that could have been formed by many possible causes. So as hard as it is to think about right now, please try not to be overly hard on yourself about something you didn't know about. I used to wonder "had x been different had I been given the chance to rewind time" It dawned on me I'd make the exact same decisions because, after all I knew no different. I made the "right" decision at the time with the info I had and whatever mental state and emotion I had.

I hope this helps. I know I can't take away your guilt or pain.

Why is 'acceptance' such a bad word?

2008-04-15T01:07:00.000-05:00

This is something I need help understanding: Why is acceptance such a bad word? I don’t care if someone is pro cure or anti cure. Acceptance is something worth striving for.This was a reply I got on a forum:

“Oh what a great suggestion! Parents listen up. Just accept that your kids stomach will hurt,and that the child will become difficient due to lost nutriens from loose stool. Embrace those seizures, dont try to change them.If they child should headbang try giving him some music to bang to. I particularly like VanHalen, ZZ top. Good headbangin music. If they smear why not try putting it in an art gallery? When the child screams and arches back for heavens sake measure it and keep track, we are bound to be able to get one of them in the guinis book of world records!”

When I mean acceptance I never meant to “accept” head banging (self injurous behavior that this person put rather rudely), stomach upsets, diarrhea, seizures, poop smearing an the like. No this person completely missed my point.When I talked about acceptance I was talking about making changes and being more tolerant of a society. What do I mean by tolerance?
I mean let’s stop looking at people and treating them like they are freaks, flawed, unpeople, and worth being bullied, rather than helped. I’m talking about how one autistic person put it about there being a lot more “kickers” than “nurturers”

What is wrong with striving to make society bully free? Okay I understand we can’t eliminate every rude person in the world, but why not join the fight and strive for taking down the bullies in each of our lives, by teaching them acceptance by example.
I found it ironic when I went on a forum and read about a sad parent who is asking if it is okay to put their child on an antidepressant. The kid was being bullied! Putting the kid on antidepressants isn’t going to help the greater problem. That is like kicking someone when they are already down just because they are a victim.

Why is it when it comes to bully vs. victim, the victim is the one who is forced to “cured” or “changed” when really it is the bully that needs to be “cured” or “changed” Why should the bully get off Scott free? What message does that teach us as human beings?
And about employment: We’ve heard about autistic teenagers and adults being unfairly passed up for opportunities and fired for no reason at all. Why can’t we strive to change this? I hear a voice whispering in my head, “It doesn’t have to be this way. Things can be better.” But in order to do so we need an open mind and a willing heart.

Even if you as a parent disagree with me, can we agree on this? You don’t have to take your child off their diet, and you don’t have to stop such controversial treatments like chelation therapy. You can still support what agencies you see fit and still advocate acceptance.

I hope this makes things easier to understand. I don’t like people twisting my words to mean things I’m not saying. I feel very close to giving up, but I know that is my self pity speaking. It's just so hard to "just turn off" emotions at my whim. I wish I had that power, but alas I am a human, not a robot. Although times like these it would be nice to just become a robot and not have to contend with human emotions.

Discussions about Cure vs. Not Cure Autism

2008-04-14T23:35:00.000-05:00

Someone on Autism Speaks asked a question to someone about what things would they like cured about autism and what things would they like to be kept intact. Although the question wasn't pointed at me I wanted to take a stab at answering. This was my reply:

Strengths of autism I wish to be preserved:
- Value for honesty. Many autistic people either cannot lie, or suffer a guilty conscience if attempting to lie. If I do lie, it is usually unintentional and I am quick to fess up. I HATE dishonesty with a passion. I also feel the need that everyone else needs to be honest as well even if the truth brutally hurts. "The truth shall set you free" is something I've heard along with, "The truth will always be found out." It makes no point to lie.
- Value for details and integrity: I am glad I spotted the fly pupae in the ketch-up dispenser at Mc D's. They were maggots earlier that week. No one bothered to clean the container, except for me. I didn't care how much ketch-up I had to dump out at my shift. My concern was for the health of the customers. I dismantled that thing and washed it thoroughly so no old residue remained. As far as I know I may have been the only person who bothered. Since I worked only once or twice a week, most of the week it got neglected and smelled rancid.
- Willingness to stand up for what is right regardless of whatever everyone else is doing. Since we are not popular to begin with and nor do we strive to be popular, it comes much easier to go against the grain to do what is REALLY right.
- Persistence to do in depth research on a subject. Very few people have the patience to research just about everything they can find on a particular subject to become a master at it. If an autistic person can "switch" obsessions from time to time like I do, then I get to learn a lot of stuff and use it to help me understand people and things.
- Some autistics have strong visual abilities. Temple Grandin is one. She could get down and see things as a cow would. That gave her a unique perspective to spot things other people wouldn't. Most people would be afraid to get down on all 4's as an adult in plain view of other people. This didn't bother her. I too have visual abilities, but I am young and still trying to find my niche so I can use them.
And any I didn't list.
---Things I'd like to see gone or reduced. "Cured" if you must.
- Inability to communicate. I honestly believe if one can help break this barrier, than a lot of the head banging, butting, biting, hair pulling, lashing out, and you name it will subside and be something that only happens rarely.I've found stating I am anxious or overwhelmed before really feeling it seems to help prevent a meltdown from occurring.
- Fecal smearing. See if they can be given something else to use for "art" and work on developing some kind of talent, or give them other things to manipulate with their hands.
- Potty training. I'd like to see autistics who struggle with this become aware of when they need to go before it is too late. If there's any thing wrong with the toilet, how it flushes, the "feel" of the toilet seat, or anything else bothering the autistic person, I'd like them to be able to communicate this and work out a solution.
- sleeping issues. That's a toughie I could never resolve, but at least I can be quiet at night (as an adult). I think a lot of it for younger kids is things like nightmares and sleep paralysis. Both are very normal, but with an inability to communicate, they can't express this being the cause of their nighttime freak-outs.

An Experiment for those dealing with aggression and meltdowns

2008-04-12T12:00:00.001-05:00

Anyone here willing to be my guinea pig for this experiment? This was an idea that came to me last night as I was trying to sleep.
When your child is about to be in the heat of a nasty meltdown:
1. See if you can distract your child before the meltdown occurs by finding something else for him/her to do to calm down. One person mentioned in an email that getting her son to do crafts seemed to help.
2. After the child calms down, rather than asking questions like, “How are you feeling?” or anything to do with emotions, try coaxing your child to explain what happened right before the meltdown. “What happened before you started crying?” may be a starting point. (Even if you know or may have an idea of the cause, ask anyway.)
3. If they can’t speak or “don’t know” see if you can encourage them to either write, type, or sign out what went on. (This may work for nonverbal autistics with practice)----------------------------------
The reason behind this experiment is to get the child to use their cognitive thinking ability. This seems to be a strength shared with many people on the autistic spectrum. I asked Jonathan Mitchell (pro cure and likely non-verbal) what he thought was his strength. “Articulate and write well” was his answer. Not surprisingly this ability seems to be common with the aspergers and HFA autism.
Emotional thinking and understanding is one of the weakest areas for an autistic person. To know intuitively what one is feeling without being able to identify WHAT they are feeling is a set-up for frustration and anger. This ability between cognitive ability and emotional ability can leave quite a gap, and this may cause a lot of intense frustration.
For me, in order to understand feelings, I had to classify them like discovering a new species. Once I put a name to the emotion, I could know what I was feeling and begin to work on an appropriate coping mechanism. With any hope this experiment will help an autistic person to start thinking and understand more about themselves. Hopefully this will help them begin this process to understand their own emotions on a cognitive level. Once someone can understand their feelings, coping with them should be much easier. Eventually in time, maybe this cognitive ability will help the autistic child to understand other people’s emotions on a cognitive level.
Cognitive thinking is somewhat different than actually feeling. The child may still not show the emotion on their face (unless he/she finds it to help, then the child will likely practice that expression.) With any luck most of the meltdowns will be a thing of the past, except for an occasional bout when dealing with new and unknown situations. Even those hopefully will become rare.
I really hope this works. If it does I want to pass it on.

Destroying Foxgloves and picking Azaleas

2008-04-08T16:08:00.000-05:00

I thought to myself I wouldn't ever start a blog because it just isn't for me... Well here I am. It's Monday late morning and I am volunteering as an indoor gardening aide in a local conservatory. The gardener who normally gives me instructions was gone and the volunteer who usually partners with me wasn't there either.

The gardener who filled in, led me to a cooler greenhouse filled with foxgloves and Azaleas. Such a pretty picture I thought. "After my shift, I'll get my camera and capture this pretty sight."

"How pretty," I told the gardener. (not exact words.) I looked up and stated "Snapdragons." The gardener as well as another volunteer who happened to be there looked confused.

Autistic moment... My mind read "foxglove" but it came out as "snapdragon." I joked and said, "I know what I am talking about, I just can't get the right word." I also joked and pointed out the similarities between the two. The gardener points to the area.

"They're going out," he says. What? I was hoping he was pointing to something else. After all being so called "High Functioning Autistic" (PDD NOS if you want specific), whenever someone points to something, I look at their finger first and then to where I think they are pointing...

Since I'm looking at where they are pointing from my perspective, not theirs, I find myself somewhat confused sometimes if what they are pointing to does not match the object they are describing. Anyways I was hoping that was the case with these tall beautiful, perfectly healthy snapdragons, I mean foxgloves...

Nope. No such luck. The gardener grabbed one and without giving a a care, tipped it over to its side over a trash can. Immediately he lopped off the trunk and instructed me to cut as close to the soil as possible. After that he set the pot down on a dolly.

I looked up at the table full of foxgloves, felt a tinge of sadness, but like a heartless robot, got to work dismantling one at a time. As I got into the motion, I started thinking and reflecting all kinds of deep thoughts about society, how people misunderstand autism, and so on... My thoughts raced from how society seems to have a disease for every personality quirk... Okay I'm jumping a little there, but if they haven't they soon will... I hope to elaborate on that in another post...

In the process, I thought, what word would describe an autistic mind? What word describes my mind? Lots of people assume that a nonverbal autistic is just a "retard" and devoid of thought...

Well I have a small assignment for anyone who stumbles upon this blog. Google: Amanda Baggs and click on the you-tube link to "In My Language" It has been proven to be her words. No hoaxes, etc... If that isn't detailed thinking, I don't know what that is.

Perhaps that is what Autism is: A detailed thinker. Some people may think autistic people are absent minded, lacking common sense, not being able to process all senses at once (The one sense at a time could be true for some). "Lost in thought" perhaps is better suited. I know while I am deeply introspecting upon whatever fancies me at the moment, it is hard to focus on the outside world besides simple tasks. It works vis-versa. The more complex the external task, the less I can concentrate in my mind. I can't think detailed thoughts when crossing a busy street and focusing n the cars around me. Likewise while I'm trying to think of a solution for world peace I cannot be focused on a someone trying to tell me about how wonderful their relationship with their boyfriend is.

No wonder why I don't make good communication with most people. We are in two different worlds of thought. The outsider is focused on the here and now; what things are in front of them.

My mind is on the deeper things, like trying to figure out the meaning of life, what makes up thought process, why certain religious sects get into such violent wars when their ideology is supposedly wishing for peace... Hmmm. I wonder who is the more disabled?

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Okay, Is this a blog about foxgloves and gardening or a blog about autism? Well stick around and see. I have lots more in my head than I can ever write in one given moment...

Feel free to read an essay I wrote for Autism Awareness.