Emotional Crisis

I've been battling with an emotional crisis this last month and it's been really messing with my thinking and how I relate to people. To shorten it I feel like the world is against me and I've been reacting by animal like instinct rather than rational thought. Which of course triggers anger and other people's reactions, which feeds the feeling I have of people being against me. Which of course angers people even more...It's a vicious circle.

This leads me to a question how one can tell the difference between someone who truly believes everyone is against them from someone who is going through a relapsing bout of depression? If I were to take a stab at an answer, I would think that someone truly believing would feel more confident, where as someone influenced by depression is in inner turmoil, knowing it isn't true but can't fight it off. Also, at least with myself, it seems to come with plenty of tears and no shut-off valve. It seems one warning sign is if I go through at least a couple days where I can't stay awake and feel so drained. I've been having plenty of that this spring and it sucks, because this is when I usually am in a lot more cheerful disposition and getting the spring planting going. Not this year....

But it's odd though, when I'm depressed, I don't always feel depressed. I can be cheery and even feel naturally "high" at times, but then at some point sink back down into the same uncontrollable thought patterns.

This is a poem that I wrote while feeling about the worst of it. It's unpolished because it was written with my keyboard keys wet with freshly fallen tears. I'm just trying to cope with it the best I can.

Loneliness and despair
Sinking like a black hole
No light can reach.
All hope pales
In the black smoke of hopelessness
No thought can pull
One out of the pit.
It sinks deeper
With each tear.
Drips salty sting down
One’s cheek.
The taste deceivingly warm,
Everyone out there is a ghost
Incapable of understanding
How deep the hole is.
How much it hurts.
They don’t taste
The same tears of despair.
I can’t touch them.
They are too distant.
Far away from reach.

I seek closeness.
Warmth.
Someone who can say
They understand. Take my hand
Lead me through this pain
Show me I’m not alone.
But this warmth doesn’t last.
The darkness pulls it away.
I’m left with myself
And this black hole of despair.