Ever wake up from a weird dream, then go through a string of thoughts only to end up with some particular moment of time?
Well this time it was some dream of going back through some place in Appleton, WI. The back yard was flooded like some kind of huge creek. (a little bit of background: these were a string of town homes that had no fences bordering them. I lived there from about age 6 to 10 or 11 years old.) In reality I don't remember any flooding occurring in the back yard of these houses, but it occurs in several dreams enough to make me wonder if it did happen but something I had forgotten. (there was though a creek in a field nearby the houses.)
In some dreams, the flooding is so deep, I can go through with a boat. This time there were all kinds of plants growing in the water. Many of them were invasive species from who knows where. They were choking out the native plants. My goal was to quickly catch some of the native plants and try to put them some place before the weeds could get them. At several points I was reminded how healthy and beautiful everything looked. Even the weeds were admirable, but they were growing fast..almost enough to be able to watch. My time was limited.
The dream shifted to a scene of grandma and I looking through buildings in downtown St. Paul. (in my dreams all cities seem to be painted by a landscape of towering sky-scrapers. Almost never does any city look as it should.) Some reason we were squabbling over a wok. If I were to find a yellow gas burning
stove, she wanted me to give her the wok in exchange for another that could be used on the stove. Whatever....
In the dream, she and I were both looking for apartments. I didn't get to see the outcome, because my dream fizzled out and I woke up at some climatic point... (that always happens?)
Upon waking up and several thought processes later, I was brought back to some time I was riding my bike down some old lady's lawn. Previously I was trying to find some friend's house, but neither she nor I seemed to know what neighborhood she lived in or what her house looked like. I tried to find it based on a sketchy description. Frustrated and to the point of crying, I gave up and headed home. But just in time I glanced over and found a neat looking huge backyard owned by an old lady.
Her lawn composed of a really steep hill. It was well mowed and provided the ideal place to just glide down with ones bike. It gave a great thrill, but not dangerous enough to fall or run into anything. It was just what I needed after a frustrating time. For a moment I forgot how upset and frustrated I was and had a great time.
Whatever the case, the owner wasn't impressed. She came out and had an impressive, over the top, fit. I mean, like as if one couldn't do any crime worse than do a little damage to her great amazing lawn. Forget murder or terrorism... This was the top crime anyone could ever imagine. She yelled out in a fit of rage, "I'm gonna call the cops! Get off my lawn now or I'm gonna call! I'm calling the cops right now!" This lady was shaking both her fists in the air, probably stomping her feet as well.
I didn't really get to study her interesting behavior. Utterly terrified at the the thought of being handcuffed and sent to jail, I petaled my bike as fast as I could out of her lawn and far away from her sight. Miraculously I got home safely.
Even then as a 10 year old, I felt like I did something seriously wrong. It wasn't the fact I trespassed into some old lady's lawn. (legally it is a crime.) It was that I failed to speak up and potentially make a difference in someones life. Once again I was rather cowardly and took the easiest way out, rather than speak out.
I had met this lady before. I was with my dad at the time and we talked. At the time she owned a chunk of land. She was trying to keep it rather neat, didn't like some teenagers coming in with their beer bottles, etc.. I expressed I didn't like them either. (they liked to scare and harass me.) My dad brought up about the developments going on with the field. The DNR had regulations against developing land so many feet from a creek. The land was considered a wetland and was supposed to be protected. The developers were illegally filling in the land so they could develop it later. The lady expressed that she was keeping her land until the value went up so she could sell it. At least that's what I picked up with my 10 year old mind. She was interested in selling it to be developed, with little interest about keeping it for the environment. I may have mentioned to her my concerns, but it was irrelevant to the story.
This was a women that needed something, perhaps a childhood... In my 10 year old mind if I could do this moment over, I would not have fled. Now as an adult I am left wondering, what if... Maybe it would form the basis of an interesting story. If I were to write it in a story it would be something like this:
Gathering up all the courage I had, I walked my bike up the steep hill. Meanwhile the lady continued to hurl threats about calling the cops. Perhaps she did. But for some reason, this time I wasn't afraid. I had a mission to follow. This mission was to help this old lady. Why help an old lady? I didn't know. Something inside me wanted this. I stopped in front of the little old lady. She was barely as tall as me, if not a little shorter. For a moment she stopped yelling and looked surprised.
"Why are you standing here?"
Lost for words, I stood there for a few seconds. She continued, "Didn't you hear me? I'm calling the cops."
"I was just having a little fun," I answered timidly.
"This is my lawn," she responded grumpily, "You're not supposed to be here on someone elses' yard."
"Where you ever a child?" I asked suddenly. The old women was taken aback. What a stupid question. Of course she was. Offended, she frowned even more than she already was.
"What does that have to do with this? Of course I was."
"Have you ever ridden your bike down a hill?" I asked.
"Not someone elses' hill," she answered. For once she looked less angry. Perhaps she was feeling sorry for me. "Don't you have a playground or some swings to play on around your house?"
"No," I answered, "they won't allow it." After all, My dad had tried to install a swing set in our lawn. The landowner forced him to take it down. There were no parks that I could walk to by myself. The closest one was kind of a distance and I would have to cross a busy street.
The old women looked even sorrier than ever. For once she realized, this kid must not have what she used to have. This was a child trying to build happy memories. On her lawn. What harm could it do? Quickly the women thought about other concerns. What if the child got hurt? Would the parents sue? How could she say that in a way a child could understand?
"You could get hurt," she stated.
"I have my helmet," I answered, "I should be alright." Without hesitation, I asked, "Would you like to try?" The old lady looked surprised. How dare a child ask such a silly question? This question had to top the "where you ever a child?" question. What if she got hurt? But then again, maybe it would be worth a risk. If only she had a bike.
"I don't have a bike." she answered.
"I can lend you mine." I offered her my bike.
"I don't fit it," she answered. With some hesitation she thought. There was a moment of awkward silence.
"You can ride your bike on my land, but please ask me first. I don't want you to get hurt."
"Sounds good to me," I answered.
Some time time after meeting the strange child, the old lady decided she'd get a bike. Just a simple one; single speed, banana shaped seat, basket in the front, with some streamers on each handle bar. It had a nice shiny magenta-pink finish. Mustering all the courage an old woman had, she secured her helmet, knee and ankle pads, sat on her bike, and petaled at top speed down the hill...
"Wheeeee!"
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Opening Doors for People: Is It a Nice Thing to Do or Just Plain Stupid?
My rant for the day... I was waiting to be picked up by the cab from my Psychiatrist appointment. I didn't feel like sitting down, so I paced around the main entrance of the building. Since I was standing/pacing near the door I felt the impulse to be nice and open the doors for a few people. I figured why not; that it would be rude for me to just stand there in the doorway doing nothing.
Each time was an epic fail. They either opened the next door, ignored me, or looked at me like I was a complete idiot. None of them said thanks. Okay the last one did when I offered to open the door, but turned me down. I left the moment feeling really let down. Yeah I expected to be thanked in some way. It reassures me that I am doing the right thing and it encourages me to continue. If I don't get that verbal feedback, then I feel a bit like what I'm doing must be utterly pointless. Or is it an autistic moment cropping it's ugly head?
Maybe I'm getting something wrong... Okay I guess it's time to do a nerdy google search for social stories and see if there happens to be any "do and "don'ts" to opening doors for people in public buildings. Though right now I don't feel up to it. I just won't open any more doors for people in that same building again. Problem solved.
Each time was an epic fail. They either opened the next door, ignored me, or looked at me like I was a complete idiot. None of them said thanks. Okay the last one did when I offered to open the door, but turned me down. I left the moment feeling really let down. Yeah I expected to be thanked in some way. It reassures me that I am doing the right thing and it encourages me to continue. If I don't get that verbal feedback, then I feel a bit like what I'm doing must be utterly pointless. Or is it an autistic moment cropping it's ugly head?
Maybe I'm getting something wrong... Okay I guess it's time to do a nerdy google search for social stories and see if there happens to be any "do and "don'ts" to opening doors for people in public buildings. Though right now I don't feel up to it. I just won't open any more doors for people in that same building again. Problem solved.
Hello 2010, goodbye typing 00 years.
Very belated post as always. Lately I only go here if there is something on my mind and I can't get it off. I guess that's what venting is and why blogs are good for venting.
2009 finished with so many things I could fill several pages. Anyways here are some highlights of 2009 (the ending months.) It's still a marathon post, but considering that I neglected to update my blog the last several months, I guess it evens out.
Late October?, I got a new job. I work at the Mall of America, in Bloomington, MN. Not only do I work there but I also work for the mall. I find that pretty cool. Even if MOA is no longer the biggest mall in America, it is still considered a landmark of a sort. It's kind of a nifty thing to brag about I guess. Not everyone can say they actually work for such a great place and see it printed on their paycheck stubs. Not to mention one huge thing. I get paid $9 an hour. For an "entry level" job, this is nothing to sneeze at. I work part time, so it's not like I am wealthy by any means, but it's nice that I am able to actually save up for the DSLR camera I really want/need. Plus I can a few other odds and ends that I wouldn't otherwise be able to get. New shoes, bath stuff, accessories, Christmas gifts for my family. Not to mention the basic can't live without items. The list goes on.
I also get the fun chance to meet a variety of people, some of them rather interesting characters (to say the least.) The stuff we sell, IMHO is over priced, taxed up the wazoo, but considering how much employees get paid (full time workers also appear to get some medical benefits) and the rather slow business I've been getting, it probably evens out. So next time you have to pay about $20 for a set of photos and some key chains, maybe this can help put the price into perspective. (cheapest photo deal is presently $10.66, including tax. You get a choice between a 6x8, two 4x6, or 4 wallets. If you find a coupon you can get a single 6x8 print at half the price.)
Nevertheless, I'm hired as a "seasonal" (aka disposable laborer). My time is about to come to an end in a few weeks. I'm hoping that I get to stay longer, but it depends on both performance and if they have the demand, making enough profit to keep any additional workers. Performance wise, I believe I've met expectations, even exceeded them. I'm not worried about my performance, but performance alone may not be enough... On average week days I don't make enough to pay my salary. Weekends, Saturdays I make just enough to get close, break even, or make a small profit for the mall. If other workers are not having better luck then...Oh well at least I have the experience I can put on my resume, and I will likely have good references to add.
---------------
November, we lost a cat. Sahib, my grandma's cat passed away after suddenly developing a urinary blockage. It didn't clear up despite having him catheterized for a week. For a day it looked like he cleared up enough to go home. The next night he blocked up again, and to be rushed to the emergency vet clinic.
The cost to keep him alive for another night was too much for my grandma to pay, not to mention that he would most definitely require surgery and that was in the multiple thousand dollar range. Left up to me, I would have sacrificed all my back paid SSI money that we're keeping in a trust to pay for college (if I can get back in) and paid for the surgery to give him a chance. I believe he would have survived and returned to the same healthy, happy cat we had before post surgery. But, It was not my place to make a decision (though I tried, believe me!). After a rather emotional outburst, I was pretty much forced into allowing my grandma to go through with having him put to sleep. I watched the final moments. It was heart-breaking to watch him struggle to pull the catheter out of his arm before the vet returned.
-
-
*Warning emotional stuff here. You may want to bookmark and read later if you happen to be like me and cry very easily. This is not exactly something you want to read on your work lunch break.*
-
-
Watching a cat die for the first time was quite traumatic. Immediately upon dying, the tail poofs up (like a frightened cat), becomes limp. The pupils dilate. He died with one eye open and one closed. His tail was lowered. I lifted it up and curled it around his back, like he used to naturally hold his tail. Writing this brings me into a crying jag, so I guess I'm not completely over my emotions over this yet... I can't stand to read the rainbow bridge poem, though I liked reading it before. It always brought tears to my eyes upon reading it, but for some reason after having a pet actually cross the bridge, it makes the poem feel a lot more emotional and tough to read. Upon leaving Sahib, my last words to him were "I hope it is true." thinking about the poem. I whispered t a couple times, the words repeating in my head.
He was a great cat. My main regret was not giving him the same attention I give to my cat (Waldo). Some of things that I would do that Waldo hated (or strongly disliked), Sahib loved. it didn't matter to him if I was teasing him or spending serious time. He loved it all the same. For instance if I pet Waldo lightly with my foot, he gets PO ed and lets me know clearly that isn't acceptable behavior. If I pet Sahib with my foot, he just started purring and rolled over, like as if I was petting him with my hand. It made no difference. He loved it the same. If he got enough, he opened his mouth, hung it there for a few minutes, sometimes with a quick meow. He was a very laid back cat, though he was no pushover. He sometimes gave a light warning nip if he felt he had enough. Otherwise he craved attention and was grateful for any he got. If he felt he didn't get his fair share of attention, he sometimes nipped grandma or I in random places, mostly the toes.
I didn't give him as much attention and cuddling as Waldo. Nor did I take as many pictures. I felt I would have a lot more time with him (being the much younger cat at only 4 or 5 years old) and Waldo being older, not as much time. I regret my reasoning. His life showed me a sad lesson; we don't truly know how much time we have with someone.
R.I.P Sahib. I love you and miss you dearly.
The last photo I took of him. I really wish I would have snapped more when he got home, after we thought he overcame his condition.
Shot at the vets office (his regular vet) before going home with two prescription meds and several cans of special diet food. Little did we know he would get blocked up and die the next day without getting a chance to even really use the stuff. Fortunately they allowed us to return the unused meds and food. They gave us back the credit we spent. The hand petting him belongs to my grandma. I couldn't get Sahib to look at the camera.
------------------
2010 opens a new chapter in our lives, in my life. Will it be a good year or a challenging one?
Some big changes are coming up. For one thing I will be moving out into an apartment. I don't know exactly where yet, but it is in the planning stages. I'm a bit worried. There's a lot I'll be giving up. (having a garden one of the main ones. I had great plans on expanding Grandma's garden in the backyard, but that may not happen...). I'm hoping I get to keep Waldo, and be allowed to adopt possibly another cat, ideally a young one to be a companion for Waldo and I.
On a smaller note, I find 2010 to be one really annoying number to type....
2009 finished with so many things I could fill several pages. Anyways here are some highlights of 2009 (the ending months.) It's still a marathon post, but considering that I neglected to update my blog the last several months, I guess it evens out.
Late October?, I got a new job. I work at the Mall of America, in Bloomington, MN. Not only do I work there but I also work for the mall. I find that pretty cool. Even if MOA is no longer the biggest mall in America, it is still considered a landmark of a sort. It's kind of a nifty thing to brag about I guess. Not everyone can say they actually work for such a great place and see it printed on their paycheck stubs. Not to mention one huge thing. I get paid $9 an hour. For an "entry level" job, this is nothing to sneeze at. I work part time, so it's not like I am wealthy by any means, but it's nice that I am able to actually save up for the DSLR camera I really want/need. Plus I can a few other odds and ends that I wouldn't otherwise be able to get. New shoes, bath stuff, accessories, Christmas gifts for my family. Not to mention the basic can't live without items. The list goes on.
I also get the fun chance to meet a variety of people, some of them rather interesting characters (to say the least.) The stuff we sell, IMHO is over priced, taxed up the wazoo, but considering how much employees get paid (full time workers also appear to get some medical benefits) and the rather slow business I've been getting, it probably evens out. So next time you have to pay about $20 for a set of photos and some key chains, maybe this can help put the price into perspective. (cheapest photo deal is presently $10.66, including tax. You get a choice between a 6x8, two 4x6, or 4 wallets. If you find a coupon you can get a single 6x8 print at half the price.)
Nevertheless, I'm hired as a "seasonal" (aka disposable laborer). My time is about to come to an end in a few weeks. I'm hoping that I get to stay longer, but it depends on both performance and if they have the demand, making enough profit to keep any additional workers. Performance wise, I believe I've met expectations, even exceeded them. I'm not worried about my performance, but performance alone may not be enough... On average week days I don't make enough to pay my salary. Weekends, Saturdays I make just enough to get close, break even, or make a small profit for the mall. If other workers are not having better luck then...Oh well at least I have the experience I can put on my resume, and I will likely have good references to add.
---------------
November, we lost a cat. Sahib, my grandma's cat passed away after suddenly developing a urinary blockage. It didn't clear up despite having him catheterized for a week. For a day it looked like he cleared up enough to go home. The next night he blocked up again, and to be rushed to the emergency vet clinic.
The cost to keep him alive for another night was too much for my grandma to pay, not to mention that he would most definitely require surgery and that was in the multiple thousand dollar range. Left up to me, I would have sacrificed all my back paid SSI money that we're keeping in a trust to pay for college (if I can get back in) and paid for the surgery to give him a chance. I believe he would have survived and returned to the same healthy, happy cat we had before post surgery. But, It was not my place to make a decision (though I tried, believe me!). After a rather emotional outburst, I was pretty much forced into allowing my grandma to go through with having him put to sleep. I watched the final moments. It was heart-breaking to watch him struggle to pull the catheter out of his arm before the vet returned.
-
-
*Warning emotional stuff here. You may want to bookmark and read later if you happen to be like me and cry very easily. This is not exactly something you want to read on your work lunch break.*
-
-
Watching a cat die for the first time was quite traumatic. Immediately upon dying, the tail poofs up (like a frightened cat), becomes limp. The pupils dilate. He died with one eye open and one closed. His tail was lowered. I lifted it up and curled it around his back, like he used to naturally hold his tail. Writing this brings me into a crying jag, so I guess I'm not completely over my emotions over this yet... I can't stand to read the rainbow bridge poem, though I liked reading it before. It always brought tears to my eyes upon reading it, but for some reason after having a pet actually cross the bridge, it makes the poem feel a lot more emotional and tough to read. Upon leaving Sahib, my last words to him were "I hope it is true." thinking about the poem. I whispered t a couple times, the words repeating in my head.
He was a great cat. My main regret was not giving him the same attention I give to my cat (Waldo). Some of things that I would do that Waldo hated (or strongly disliked), Sahib loved. it didn't matter to him if I was teasing him or spending serious time. He loved it all the same. For instance if I pet Waldo lightly with my foot, he gets PO ed and lets me know clearly that isn't acceptable behavior. If I pet Sahib with my foot, he just started purring and rolled over, like as if I was petting him with my hand. It made no difference. He loved it the same. If he got enough, he opened his mouth, hung it there for a few minutes, sometimes with a quick meow. He was a very laid back cat, though he was no pushover. He sometimes gave a light warning nip if he felt he had enough. Otherwise he craved attention and was grateful for any he got. If he felt he didn't get his fair share of attention, he sometimes nipped grandma or I in random places, mostly the toes.
I didn't give him as much attention and cuddling as Waldo. Nor did I take as many pictures. I felt I would have a lot more time with him (being the much younger cat at only 4 or 5 years old) and Waldo being older, not as much time. I regret my reasoning. His life showed me a sad lesson; we don't truly know how much time we have with someone.
R.I.P Sahib. I love you and miss you dearly.
The last photo I took of him. I really wish I would have snapped more when he got home, after we thought he overcame his condition.
Shot at the vets office (his regular vet) before going home with two prescription meds and several cans of special diet food. Little did we know he would get blocked up and die the next day without getting a chance to even really use the stuff. Fortunately they allowed us to return the unused meds and food. They gave us back the credit we spent. The hand petting him belongs to my grandma. I couldn't get Sahib to look at the camera.
------------------
2010 opens a new chapter in our lives, in my life. Will it be a good year or a challenging one?
Some big changes are coming up. For one thing I will be moving out into an apartment. I don't know exactly where yet, but it is in the planning stages. I'm a bit worried. There's a lot I'll be giving up. (having a garden one of the main ones. I had great plans on expanding Grandma's garden in the backyard, but that may not happen...). I'm hoping I get to keep Waldo, and be allowed to adopt possibly another cat, ideally a young one to be a companion for Waldo and I.
On a smaller note, I find 2010 to be one really annoying number to type....
Saturday, October 17, 2009
When Seasons Collide
Been a loooong time since I last posted. Like I've mentioned before, many of of my thoughts haven't gotten to the writing down phase.
This summer I challenged myself by going out and taking photos every day if possible. Sometimes I missed a day or two, but generally I kept to my goal. I've been uploading my favorites through flickr.
Autumn I planned to continue my goal that I set in the spring/early summer. Have I stuck to it? Not as well. Seems MN has been getting slammed with some really unseasonably cold weather, not to mention cloudy and rainy. On the news they stated this may possibly be a record cold October with the average high being only about 40 something degrees, much lower than the average highs in the 60's.
Already we've had two snowfalls. In a way I feel kind of cheated. Was looking to shoot a bunch of firey trees with full autumn color. (ideally with blue sky as a backdrop.) Well that didn't happen most of October so far.
Ash trees have already shed their leaves. They dumped them after the first snow on the 10th without even fully changing. Some maples have done about the same. Featured here is the 2nd snowfall from October 12th. As much as I hate to admit it, the snow created some of the most awesome dramatic autumn shots I've taken so far. That is if I can call it "autumn". Seems quite a confused mash-up of seasons, with most trees still in their "summer" colors.
On a side note now that I finally figured out how to get a post on here using flickr, I hope to post more often.
This summer I challenged myself by going out and taking photos every day if possible. Sometimes I missed a day or two, but generally I kept to my goal. I've been uploading my favorites through flickr.
Autumn I planned to continue my goal that I set in the spring/early summer. Have I stuck to it? Not as well. Seems MN has been getting slammed with some really unseasonably cold weather, not to mention cloudy and rainy. On the news they stated this may possibly be a record cold October with the average high being only about 40 something degrees, much lower than the average highs in the 60's.
Already we've had two snowfalls. In a way I feel kind of cheated. Was looking to shoot a bunch of firey trees with full autumn color. (ideally with blue sky as a backdrop.) Well that didn't happen most of October so far.
Ash trees have already shed their leaves. They dumped them after the first snow on the 10th without even fully changing. Some maples have done about the same. Featured here is the 2nd snowfall from October 12th. As much as I hate to admit it, the snow created some of the most awesome dramatic autumn shots I've taken so far. That is if I can call it "autumn". Seems quite a confused mash-up of seasons, with most trees still in their "summer" colors.
On a side note now that I finally figured out how to get a post on here using flickr, I hope to post more often.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Moment of Clarity?
I visited my parents in Milwaukee last week, saw some old friends and visited the church I was in. The video crew members were eager to see me. I was thinking it would be really cool if I could do one of the cameras, but didn't hold my hopes high. It would be unrealistic to expect them to not have everyone scheduled arrive on the Sunday I visited. Well sure enough they had an empty spot, so I took advantage. It was amazing even after 2 years of not operating a video camera, I still was able to follow directions and pull it off as if I had done it just the week before.
More photos from the train ride on the way to Milwaukee.
Flowers from my friend's back yard:
Photos from the neighborhood in Milwaukee:
I'm in a good mood at the moment. Thinking back over things and looking over my most recent photos I feel like for the first time in a while that I truly have a gift in something and the passion to pursue it. For me showing off my work has been one of my toughest struggles. I'm proud of my stuff, but what if not everyone has the same thrill looking at it that I do? Then what do I do?
That's been one of my hang-ups lately. Right now at this moment it doesn't seem to have the negative effect it has other times. I feel strong. I feel like going out around the neighborhood taking random pictures, annoying neighbors, and getting awesome shots of flowers, bugs, birds, trees - whatever catches my eye. I did just that these last few days and the results were pleasing.
Recently I set up a few photo blogs to feature some of my favorite photos. You can find them by clicking the blog roll on the right. Rather than make new blog posts for every new group of photos, I may make blog posts related to themes and edit them to add new photos.
Oh and on an off topic note I found this article rather amusing. I meant to blog about it earlier. I wonder if I should join Twitter just to make a "One post Wonder"?
Perhaps it would read something like this: Let's see, I already have a blogger account, a yahoo group, livejournal blog, a deviantart account, flickr account faceboook account and likely registered with more sites than I can list, so it's no wonder I can't keep track of them all. So many media and so little time and modivation....lol.
But chances are I'd get hooked and be wasting my time on another site...so for now I think I'll wait, but it is sure tempting....
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Sleep Study
It's past 2 am and I should be sleeping. Ironically talking about the sleep study I had "last" night (that would be the night between this Tuesday and Wednesday).
They stuck wires and stuff to my skin and hair with lemon scented paste. To secure the wires they put two belts around me, one around my stomach and the other just above my breasts. The wires connected to a box with all kinds of plugs. I looked like a human robot, plugged in just about like an electric appliance. Not only that but I had a glowing red sensor stuck to my right pointer finger and a prong like sensor stuck to my nose. Of course they had a camera monitoring me the whole night....
Needless to say not much sleep occurred that night.... They probably got lovely footage of me playing "ET" with my glowing finger. I was kicking my legs around, thrusting my arms, and scratching at the wires, tape, and stuff that were really annoying me. The nose thing had to be top on the list... Since I sleep under the covers, they probably saw what may have resembled a "Mexican Jumping Bean" bouncing under the covers. Or a big lumpy blanket coming to life.
It was also very cold in the room. I had to call them to unplug me so I could take a stop at the bathroom. (you can't just get up and go when plugged in.) I let them know it was too cold. They gave me a couple more blankets. Not long then I felt too hot....
I hope I don't have to do the study over. At least I did finally conk out likely around 5:30 or 6:00 am.... We will see. On the plus side at least I enjoyed watching Animal Planet, a channel we don't have with just basic rabbit ears + converter box...
They stuck wires and stuff to my skin and hair with lemon scented paste. To secure the wires they put two belts around me, one around my stomach and the other just above my breasts. The wires connected to a box with all kinds of plugs. I looked like a human robot, plugged in just about like an electric appliance. Not only that but I had a glowing red sensor stuck to my right pointer finger and a prong like sensor stuck to my nose. Of course they had a camera monitoring me the whole night....
Needless to say not much sleep occurred that night.... They probably got lovely footage of me playing "ET" with my glowing finger. I was kicking my legs around, thrusting my arms, and scratching at the wires, tape, and stuff that were really annoying me. The nose thing had to be top on the list... Since I sleep under the covers, they probably saw what may have resembled a "Mexican Jumping Bean" bouncing under the covers. Or a big lumpy blanket coming to life.
It was also very cold in the room. I had to call them to unplug me so I could take a stop at the bathroom. (you can't just get up and go when plugged in.) I let them know it was too cold. They gave me a couple more blankets. Not long then I felt too hot....
I hope I don't have to do the study over. At least I did finally conk out likely around 5:30 or 6:00 am.... We will see. On the plus side at least I enjoyed watching Animal Planet, a channel we don't have with just basic rabbit ears + converter box...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
It's been a while; Autism related entry
It's been a while since I've last updated my blog of an autism related issue. Some things came up and in order to move on I have to get them written out. I may have spoken a lot of this in past entries, but it is good to have a refresher once and a while. Since autism varies from person to person, I share from my personal experience. Some may relate and some may not.
Anyways my emotions are hot. I'm feeling in a panic over the feeling of having no one to talk to right now (at the time I am typing this) over what most would consider a minor issue. In order to understand the sense of panic I feel when something little comes up, imagine if you just suddenly got news that your best friend, mom, dad, or whoever means the most to you, has been in a car accident or had a heart attack and is in the hospital. You get the initial call that happened, but then are on nerves waiting for an update.
Let's say it's not possible for you to reach the hospital. There's no number to call, heck you don't even know where they went. You don't know anything besides those few details. Depending on how fatal the news sounded and how much the person meant to you, I can imagine you are pacing around, biting your nails, crying uncontrollably, whatever people do when they feel a sense of hopeless panic.
This is how I feel over minor problems. I have the same intensity of emotion, the panic, everything. Often I am told to be patient. If you're mother is dying in a hospital an you aren't aware of where she is, I would imagine being told to be patient would probably be one of the last things you want to be told.
When I am trying to describe to people this sense of panic I feel, I am often put down, or even worse made to feel like I am causing trouble. I can't help the sense of panic I feel. I acknowledge I can have control over what I do in the panic. After all anyone facing a situation like the one I described can control how they behave, but it is very...very difficult. The mind is not there. The heart is racing, the breaths are shallow and the eyes gushing with unwanted tears. It's really hard to control one's behavior at this point of stress.
I used to know one autistic man who must have felt this kind of panic when they changed his routine at a group home he lived. Either that or he had to move to a place where they couldn't keep up to his routine. He had to have a shower taken a certain day and time of the week. One week they couldn't do it at the right time. He had to have his shower taken another day. As a result he got terribly angry, upset, hurt, and violent. He broke at least one of their windows by smashing it. After all to him it had to have felt like his whole world crashed that day.
I'm not that severely upset when changes happen, but I will feel dismayed and feel like I've just been dropped off in the middle of nowhere, in a strange place and left to find my way home with no direction... Depending on my mood, this panic can create a full crying spell and a meltdown. I don't like surprises. Also if I am left without explanation for things, then I'm left confused. My mind doesn't take confusion well. If I don't have a solid explanation, my mind will go over past events that seem similar to the event I am in. It pairs up some usually really negative and disturbing incidents. Common feelings that will show up when I am in a mental state of confusion over an event: rejection, people are deliberately against me because I am a freak. They know it. They can tell. Even by one glance or by reading my written word, they know I'm not one of them. Those people know... they see through me. They have in the past. I've been rejected. My mind pulls up concrete memories to prove it. Therefore this situation is no different. I don't fit in. I never will fit in. I don't have a niche... The negative speech continues into some kind of mantra. There is no easy way to shut it off once it starts.
Usually when I try to explain this to people, or if I worse yet, react out of these emotions, it triggers anger. In turn when people snap about my reaction, then it feeds the feeling of "they don't like me because I am different." and then I react even more apprehensive. This kind of miscommunication keeps going until either I or the other person reaches breaking point and one of us ends up severing communication and possibly leaving the scene. On web forums, it may drive one of us to perminantly leave the site.
Why does this happen? I used to be left really confused until I heard from other people who studied the field of autism as well as reading up some articles. I found out that when an autistic person gets riled up by emotion, it floods the brain with more activity than it would for a non autistic person. I wish I could find the exact articles I read to link to, but if you look down meltdowns and autism, you may get a general idea. After all these emotions are likely the driving force behind most of the major meltdowns someone has with autism.
I hope this sheds light into some of the conflicts I get into, and hopefully help give some insight for those curious to know more about autism, emotions, and meltdowns. Anyways I feel a bit better getting this down. The sense of panic has lessened a bit.
Anyways my emotions are hot. I'm feeling in a panic over the feeling of having no one to talk to right now (at the time I am typing this) over what most would consider a minor issue. In order to understand the sense of panic I feel when something little comes up, imagine if you just suddenly got news that your best friend, mom, dad, or whoever means the most to you, has been in a car accident or had a heart attack and is in the hospital. You get the initial call that happened, but then are on nerves waiting for an update.
Let's say it's not possible for you to reach the hospital. There's no number to call, heck you don't even know where they went. You don't know anything besides those few details. Depending on how fatal the news sounded and how much the person meant to you, I can imagine you are pacing around, biting your nails, crying uncontrollably, whatever people do when they feel a sense of hopeless panic.
This is how I feel over minor problems. I have the same intensity of emotion, the panic, everything. Often I am told to be patient. If you're mother is dying in a hospital an you aren't aware of where she is, I would imagine being told to be patient would probably be one of the last things you want to be told.
When I am trying to describe to people this sense of panic I feel, I am often put down, or even worse made to feel like I am causing trouble. I can't help the sense of panic I feel. I acknowledge I can have control over what I do in the panic. After all anyone facing a situation like the one I described can control how they behave, but it is very...very difficult. The mind is not there. The heart is racing, the breaths are shallow and the eyes gushing with unwanted tears. It's really hard to control one's behavior at this point of stress.
I used to know one autistic man who must have felt this kind of panic when they changed his routine at a group home he lived. Either that or he had to move to a place where they couldn't keep up to his routine. He had to have a shower taken a certain day and time of the week. One week they couldn't do it at the right time. He had to have his shower taken another day. As a result he got terribly angry, upset, hurt, and violent. He broke at least one of their windows by smashing it. After all to him it had to have felt like his whole world crashed that day.
I'm not that severely upset when changes happen, but I will feel dismayed and feel like I've just been dropped off in the middle of nowhere, in a strange place and left to find my way home with no direction... Depending on my mood, this panic can create a full crying spell and a meltdown. I don't like surprises. Also if I am left without explanation for things, then I'm left confused. My mind doesn't take confusion well. If I don't have a solid explanation, my mind will go over past events that seem similar to the event I am in. It pairs up some usually really negative and disturbing incidents. Common feelings that will show up when I am in a mental state of confusion over an event: rejection, people are deliberately against me because I am a freak. They know it. They can tell. Even by one glance or by reading my written word, they know I'm not one of them. Those people know... they see through me. They have in the past. I've been rejected. My mind pulls up concrete memories to prove it. Therefore this situation is no different. I don't fit in. I never will fit in. I don't have a niche... The negative speech continues into some kind of mantra. There is no easy way to shut it off once it starts.
Usually when I try to explain this to people, or if I worse yet, react out of these emotions, it triggers anger. In turn when people snap about my reaction, then it feeds the feeling of "they don't like me because I am different." and then I react even more apprehensive. This kind of miscommunication keeps going until either I or the other person reaches breaking point and one of us ends up severing communication and possibly leaving the scene. On web forums, it may drive one of us to perminantly leave the site.
Why does this happen? I used to be left really confused until I heard from other people who studied the field of autism as well as reading up some articles. I found out that when an autistic person gets riled up by emotion, it floods the brain with more activity than it would for a non autistic person. I wish I could find the exact articles I read to link to, but if you look down meltdowns and autism, you may get a general idea. After all these emotions are likely the driving force behind most of the major meltdowns someone has with autism.
I hope this sheds light into some of the conflicts I get into, and hopefully help give some insight for those curious to know more about autism, emotions, and meltdowns. Anyways I feel a bit better getting this down. The sense of panic has lessened a bit.
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